Fairytale Gone Bad
by esnad
Summary: All fairytales need an ending. This is the end to the Derek/Addison saga; And sometimes the end is the beginning. Addison needs Derek a final time and he's finally there. Season 3 Addek, Callie/Burke.
1. You're my wonderwall

A/N: So I started a new story hope you like it, I ahve started to post it on Lj aswell so but please review

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy but if I did Addek would still be togehter

Betaing : Queen Satan hugs you hun

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Savy looked worried at the red-head lying on the floor in a pile, she took a deep breath as she dialled, not sure it was the right decision to make. As the screen showed _"Derek"_ she waited for someone to pick up.

"Hi, It's Meredith, Derek is in surgery right now, can I take a message"

"Hi, I'm Savy, from New York, I need to get a hold of Derek right now."

"But he is in surgery" Meredith wasn't sure who this women was, when she felt two arms loop around her and kiss her neck, she looked up and smiled at Derek

"He just got here, If you want to talk to him" Meredith handed Derek the phone and watched as Derek's face fell, She tried to not eavesdrop but she heard something about Derek was needed in New York.

"I have to go to New York Mere" Derek looked sad at Meredith, but she sensed it wasn't about that he had to leave

"Why?" Derek thought about what he was going to say, he could at least be honest

"It's Addison…She went to NY to fix up a few things and there are a few things I need to clear up as well"

"You're divorced, there shouldn't be anything you should have to deal with about her" Meredith didn't feel comfortable about Derek going to NY because of his ex-wife

"We were married for a long time, stuff happened and things that we just can't ignore because we aren't married any longer, you don't to that to the people you considered family" Derek gave Meredith a weak smile trying to reassure her that they was going to be fine. Meredith wants to be the good girlfriend and be interested in her boyfriend's life even if it was the past.

"What happened?" Derek wanted to tell her to let her be apart of his life but he couldn't

"I can't tell, That's up to Addison if she wants to tell people" Derek clenched is jaw, Meredith nodded slowly but trying to figure out what happened.

Addison didn't know how long she had been laying there, it hurt when she moved, just trying too wiping away some of the tears that were streaming down her face hurt so bad. It felt like she could just lay like this forever and the world around was just a blurry dark pit hole, she didn't want to go back to all the happy people she didn't belong there. In the distant she heard Savy sigh in relief, Savy had stopped trying hours ago because every time she tried to comfort the redhead, Addison cried franticly and screamed at her but Savy didn't leave her. Suddenly Addison felt two arms loop around her waist and pull her into a firm embrace, Addison stiffened up as she waited for the wave of pain to come over her but it didn't. She turned around to see who the person was.

"You hate me" She got out between sobs, Derek pulled Addison deeper in his arms and laid them both on the couch, Addison on top.

"I don't hate you Addie" He wiped away some of the tears that was still streaming down her cheeks.

"It shouldn't hurt like this, not anymore but it does, It hurts so much Derek, I didn't want this" Addison's body started to shake and she hyperventilated, Derek tried to rub her back but it didn't help as she started to gasp for air.

"Addie, you need to focus on your breathing, In and out"

"I can't… hurts" Addison got out, Derek felt helpless, he didn't know what to do.

"Addie" He tilted her head so she was looking at him "I know it hurts, I can't even imagine how it feels for you when I know this hurt me so I know it hurts but It wasn't your fault Addie, It wasn't" Addison's breathing slowly started to go back to normal as Derek comforted her. She looked up teary eyed and with tragedy flooding though them

"But it was, If it hadn't happened, we still would be happy and together" He realised that even though he had taken part in the blame of their marriage ending she still took it on her self but he also realised that if Lily would have been alive, they would have been in New York and would been happy, they would never stopped being_AddisonandDerek._

"Don't think about all the '_what ifs , _It wasn't your fault Addie, It was a terrible thing that happened that no one should have to deal with but it wasn't your fault" Addison's tears were slowing down as Derek rocked her and whispered soothing words in her ears. Lily's death was something they experienced together and something they needed to grief together, he couldn't leave her to deal with all the feelings about this as he was happy with the women he left her for. They slowly drifted of to sleep in each others arms.

_"I cant do this Derek I can__'t" Addison got through between her sobs ,Derek was sitting behind her propping her up and holding her hand and his hand going over her hair_

_"Come on Addie, I know it's hard but you can do it, push Addie" Addison cried out loud when she pushed, Derek tried everything to comfort her from his position._

_"Just one more push Honey" Dr. Brown got the baby out , and instead of the baby screaming there was silence beside Addison cries, Derek felt Addison go limp and fall back against his chest, Derek had slow tears going down his cheeks but tried to hold them back because even if this broke his heart he couldn't even imaging what Addison was feeling._

_"I know it's hard Honey, but you did good Addie" Dr. Brown put the cold baby in Addison arms, tears still falling._

_"Lily Katharine Montgomery Shepherd" Derek got to hold his daughter after Addison, Dr. Brown left them alone. Derek pressed his lips against Addison's head as he handed over their daughter to Addison again_

"_I'll be here honey, I'm going to be here always, It's seems like the world is ending right now but we will get through this, I'm gone be by your side all the time Addie, I love you "This made Addison start to cry franticly, clutching the lifeless baby to her chest._

"_It's not fair"_

"_I know, Addie I know" Derek slowly rocked Addison. _

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A/N: So if you want me to keep posting this story here, review becasue if not I wont post it here .

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	2. Lost in the moment

A/N: So here is chapter 2 Tam Tam

Enjoy and review review review review review review!

Thank you for all the lovely reviews I got on chapter 1

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As Addison slowly started to wake up, the memories of last night came flooding back to her but Derek had made wonders. She still had that constant pain but it was not nearly as bad as last night, she had a few bad weeks when the pain was always around but usually it didn't hurt as much. Derek had been right but wrong, they didn't get through this but she had. Addison carefully crawled out of Derek's arms trying not to wake him, she got cold shivers through her body as she sat her feet on the cold floor. She pulled the fabric of the flannel shirt she was wearing closer to her body when she walked up to the window. Even though the situation she was in, a huge smile appeared on her face as she watched the snow fall. It was only one and a half weeks to Christmas and Instead of spending it all alone she was going to get to spend it with her friends in New York. That's why she went back there in the first place not to have some nervous breakdown.

Derek watched Addison carefully as she stood by the window, looking on the snow falling, her red hair in the natural curls that she got when she didn't fix her hair and the flannel shirt she was wearing ended in the right place making her legs look like they would never end. He loved it when she wore her high heels and skirts but seeing her like that was even hotter, he felt a bit guilty when he thought about Meredith, but states that he is merely making an observation. He started to walk up to Addison and looped his arms around her waist because it just came naturally, at the contact Addison pulled in a sudden breath.

"You scared me" Addison waited for him to remove his hand but they stayed around her waist.

"You feel alright?" Derek asked with concern in his voice

"Better then I thought actually, but there's still this constant pain that comes after this, but it's not so much I'll be fine" Addison leaned backwards, expecting Derek to pull away or tense up but he just held her tighter

"You had these attacks before? I didn't know."

"Only after you left New York, then I had a couple and some in Seattle too" Addison wished he would stop talking about it, it wasn't something she wanted him to know, it would only make him feel guilty that he wasn't there.

"When?"

"Not as bad as this one and never really panic attacks, but when Mark showed up and after prom" Addison tried to wriggle herself out of Derek's grip and when she turned around she saw guilty all across his face.

"It's not your fault Derek, I should have learnt to deal with it" She tried to walk to the kitchen but Derek grabbed hold of her wrist

"I wasn't there, I promised you I always would but I wasn't"

"Derek…"

"I wasn't there, Mark was…did he comfort you when I was gone?" Addison looked him in the eyes

"That wasn't why I slept with him and I really don't want to talk about it now" She tried to walk off again but Derek wouldn't let go of her wrist, he didn't seem aggressive more like defeated.

"Addison... I need to know, did Mark comfort you when I was in Seattle?"

"He tried but he couldn't… So he just held me and waited for it to pass" Derek finally let go of Addison, feeling like he just won but it soon was replaced by something else. If Mark had been able to comfort Addison that would have been better for her, instead she was across the country from the only person able to comfort her.

Addison stood arms crossed over her chest waiting for the milk to warm up, when Derek walked in and sat down in one of the chairs.

"I'm not talking about it anymore today, I didn't come to New York for that, I wanted to spend the holidays with people that love me and care for me" Addison kept her eyes on the milk

"I didn't ask you too, I just wanted some Juju and didn't want the stuff that you do in New York around Christmas by myself." Addison swirled around and studied him for awhile, when she saw the smile on his lips, her lips also turned into one. Addison got on her toes and stretched for an extra coup.

"What do you want to do then?" She poured the steaming milk into the two cups and sat down in front of Derek

"What we usually do, take a walk around the Park and then go ice skating" Derek gently sipped on his hot coco but pulled back and made face as the fluid hit his lips

"Ouch, I forget that you always make it too hot so you can warm your hands" Addison giggled at Derek

"I do, but sure we can do that today but shouldn't you go back to Seattle" Addison didn't want to be the person holding him away from Meredith, she was to much of a bad guy in Seattle already.

"I'm needed more here"

"But Meredith is your girlfriend; I'm just the adulterous ex-wife"

"You're Addison, I promised you I'd be here for you and I want to be here and I haven't spent Christmas in New York for ages

"Fine" Addison frowned a bit but then smiled.

Addison hadn't felt this relaxed in years; it was something about walking in Central Park

"You want to move back here" Derek said

"What makes you think that?"

"It's just something about your body, you seemed more at ease here in the middle of the park then you ever did in Seattle"

"Seattle was never really home" Addison bent over and pulled together a pile of snow and made a snow ball with it, When Derek noticed what she was doing, he took some snow of his own and sneaked up behind Addison and threw it in her face.

"Oh god Derek" Addison shrieked and pulled around so she was facing him and threw the ball of snow right in his face, when he got all of the snow out of his face he made a face that made Addison double over in laughter. When Addison relaxed to try to catch her breath Derek saw his chance and a big pile of snow behind them, he looped his arms around her waist and pushed forward making them both land in the big pile of snow behind them. After the first shock about somehow ending up in big pile of snow Addison burst out in laughter.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing can we just take a walk now?" Derek nodded and let a hand out to help Addison up, she took it. They walked talking about stuff they used to talk about and Derek held his promise that he wouldn't bring up about Addison's panic attacks. When they had reached the ice rink that they used to skate in, Derek held his arms around Addison's shoulders, they stood for awhile watching the happy families skating around the ice, kids looking like Bambi not sure where they had there leg and couples in love skating holding hands and occasionally kissing.

"That could have been us" Addison said with a sigh "Sometimes I think it's such a waste throwing away all that history" Derek gave Addison's shoulder a squeeze and then looked at her.

"Come on Addison, let's skate, just pretend nothing of it happened, not Mark, not Seattle and Lily is perfect, "

Derek took Addison hand's and dragged her with him to rent skates.

Derek had a firm grip around Addison's waist as he pushed her before him as they skated around the rink, he then pulled her into a hug which she relaxed into and smiled, she was a great actress.

An old couple was watching their grandchildren skate while their parents went gift shopping.

"Don't they look like a happy couple" Mary pointed to two people circling round the rink

"Who???"

"That gorgeous redhead, wonder if it's natural, and that tall handsome dark haired man" Mary pointed again at them

"Yeah they do, it's like nothing else exist besides them" They both smiled

"Grandma! Are you watching?"


	3. I believe the world is burning down

A/N: So here's another chapter and you all know the drill, read then review!

So all you Addek writes where are you? you havn't given up on the these two are you ?

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Addison sat under a blanket and was watched as Derek tried to start a fire, they were both frozen after the day in the park. They also had two coups of Juju waiting for them when Derek had got the fire started he also crawled under a blanket next to Addison.

"Thanks for today, it was wonderful" Addison smiled beaming at Derek

"I had a great time as well "Addison slowly bit down her lip debating whether or not she should tell Derek about Mark and the real reason why she slept with him.

"I wanted to feel something, when you where around I could, but then I couldn't and I wanted so bad to just feel something and I know I should have just dealt with, I knew you were dealing too but I was numb all the time and you were almost never around and I could have thrown myself in front of a car just to feel something, I'm sorry" Addison locked her eyes with Derek

"What are you talking about Addison?"

"Mark, I couldn't stand it anymore, he was there to take away the numbness when you couldn't"

Addison looked at Derek, afraid at what answers would come but he just laid his arms around her and pulled her to him. Addison looked up at Derek and was just about to say something when Derek put his fingers over her mouth and looked her in the eyes, they had always been able to say stuff between each other by looking in each others eyes, Addison closed her eyes and slowly drifted off, dreaming about what could have been.

Derek was stood watching Addison as she slept, he hadn't seen her that happy in along time. She was kind of different in New York then she was in Seattle. He walked off into another room and dug his cell out of his pocket.

"Hi, it's Meredith"

"It's Derek" Derek was sure he could feel her smile though the phone

"So how's New York?"

"It's great, I kind of miss it, and you remember Savvy and Weiss right?"

"Yeah I think so, Izzie was really upset about that"

"We were too but anyway, we're having dinner with them tonight"

"Fun, Did I tell you about that patient we got in yesterday?"

"No since this is the first time we have talked after I came to New York" Derek smiled as he heard her laugh, they talked for another 15 minutes.

"So when are you coming home?"

"Ehm, that's why I called, I'm going to stay in New York until New years eve, I'm sorry Meredith but I haven't seen my friends and family in years "

"But it's our first Christmas and you have only been in Seattle one year"

"Let's just say I was more married to the hospital then to Addison the last years in New York but Hey, Mere there's going to be more Christmases and New Year eves"

"Okay fine I love you"

"Love you too"

"What if Addison takes him from me again?" All the interns were having lunch in the cafeteria and were for the moment listening to Meredith's whining

"Relax, Meredith you got the guy, but they were married for 11 years, they won't ever get completely rid of each other" Izzie was tired of hearing all about Meredith's worries

"You think she will come back?" Christina examined the food in front of her trying to decide if it was eatable or not

"Why wouldn't she? She works here" Alex said

"I think Christina's kind of right, why would she come back, it's not like she has anything here, all her family and friends are in New York, the only reason she is staying now is because she has a contract but I think the chief would let her go anytime" All the Interns thought about what George had said

"In that case I'm going to miss her" Izzie said and Alex nodded as well

"What about Mark?"

"She is not staying for him"

"I would" All the interns laughed and then all their pagers went off, so they all rushed away.

"When are we supposed to be at Savvy's and Weiss'?" Addison was fixing her dress

"In an hour, that enough time for you?" Addison smacked Derek in the chest

"Yes, I only have my hair and makeup left"

"It's not my fault if we are going to be late"

"Whatever" Addison disappeared into the bathroom, it was scary how easily they both fell into how they used to be, how they where before Seattle.

Addison and Savvy was sitting on Savvy and Weiss' balcony and sipping wine trying to catch up, the guys were watching them.

"Dinner was wonderful and I'm sorry for not calling often"

"You're here now anyway so it's cool, you and Addie seemed to be doing okay what happened?"

"I slept with Meredith, we hadn't got a divorce if I hadn't slept with Meredith, but some how I talked myself into that she was as much at fault, because she called out Mark to Seattle"

"Yeah, Savy mentioned something about Trans continental booty call" Derek chuckled slightly

"Derek you know she was completely destroyed after you left, she came to us in a sobbing mess"

"But I thought she stayed with Mark?"

"She did but after a month or so, she couldn't bear being alone in the brownstone"

"How did we get into this mess, If we had talked to each other…I just"

"Savy was surprised when you actually came to New York for Addie"

"We may be divorced, but I promised her that we should get through this together and that I always would be by her side about Lily, I just regret that I didn't see what was going on"

They stood awhile admiring the women, Derek was amazed about how happy Addison looked, she smiled more, there was this something he couldn't really put his finger on, and he just knew he missed this Addie.

"So how are you and Weiss doing?" Addison took another sip of her wine

"We are actually good, we have started to look into adoption"

"That's great, you are going to make wonderful parents" There was a silence between them for awhile until Savy started talking again

"You want another one Addie?" That same question had gone though Addison's own head a million times before, and what if she never became ready, was that it then.

"I do someday, I wasn't ready with Mark, I freaked but I don't regret it, I can't " Savy was the only person who knew about Addison's abortion beside Mark, Savy had never understood how Addie after 2 weeks could go to Seattle to try to win Derek back.

"I just know that I finally can move on now and I'm thinking about moving back to New York, I have nothing left in Seattle" Savy smiled

"That's great I have missed you"

"I missed you and New York too, Sure beats tiny cans and hotel rooms" Savy laughed at her and filled their glasses one more time.

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	4. when people run in circles

SO if you dont give me reviews I wont update, so you know its your fault if you wont get more chapters

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Around noon they came back home, it got really late at Savy and Weiss so they made space in their guest rooms. As Addison is chopping vegetables for lunch/dinner Derek his hovering over her having his arms around her waist, she is not bothered as they always used to do dinner like this.

"We should decorate this place; It's only going to us on Christmas but still"

"I thought you where going back to Seattle"

"Well I'm not" Derek stretches out his arm and tries to snatch a piece of a cucumber, Addison swats his hand away

"How about we eat dinner, then we dress the tree"

"Sounds like a good plan" Derek watches her, he is amazed by her, going through that much pain but still be able to function this good. They start to eat their dinner like civilized people but gradually get more and more like a couple as the dinner goes on, Addison has her legs tangled up with Derek's under the table and they keep looking at each other, the look people have when they just have fallen in love with someone. After they are Addison does the dishes, even though Derek hates doing dishes he stands behind her all the time, making an Addison sandwich between him and the counter. He know he shouldn't but he can not to, the smell of her hair and the way her body feel against his, Derek is just about to say something when Addison jumped in surprise.

"What Addie?"

"Your phone, vibrated against my butt" Addison said kind of blushing, Derek hadn't noticed that his phone had set of, he quickly got it up and walked out of the room. 15 minutes later Addison dried of her hands and tried to remember where she had put all the decorations when she heard Derek shouting something from the living room, seconds later Derek came stalking out of the room clearly upset.

"Who was it?"

"Meredith, she was bummed that I wasn't coming home for Christmas, we got into a fight over it" Addison felt a bit guilty about keeping him here

"You should be in Seattle with your girlfriend" Derek just shakes his head at Addison and gave her a casual smile

"I'm needed more here in New York and I haven't been home in over a year"

"Okay then" Addison felt surprisingly good over that Derek rather spend Christmas with her in New York then in Seattle

"You want to calm down before we decorate the tree?"

"No it's okay"

"You know, I can't really remember where I put the decorations so you have time to unwind if you want too" Derek laughed at her

"Didn't you like took them up here before we made dinner?" Derek looked very amused at Addison

"Well yeah"

"You remember almost all the names of your hundreds patient but you can't remember where you put 3 large boxes, that you took up what 3 hours ago" Derek started to laugh really hard, but when he saw the look one Addison face he tried to stop but it didn't work out to well, Addison stuck out her tongue at him and then picked up a pillow form the couch and hit Derek with it, even though he wasn't prepared for it he quickly got a grip around Addison waist and took her down so they landed on the couch Derek on top.

"Take it back"

"You aren't exactly in the right position to threaten"

"Take it back" Addison tried to wiggle out of Derek's grip but had no such luck, she let out a huge sigh.

"Giving up?" Addison nodded

"There they are!" Derek pointed behind the couch; he got up and picked the box up and put them down on the table.

"You knew, that they where there all the time!"

"Maybe… help me with this now"

Addison looked down at her clothes, she was covered in tinsel, it had taken them about 2 hours to get the tree ready but they really had enjoyed themselves. They had gotten themselves lost in all the glitter and lights. Derek was searching the house for a DVD. When he finally had found one he took them at least an half-hour to get it started. At the end of the movie they where lay on the couch, Derek holding his arms over Addison's waist so she wouldn't fall, not that it was a problem but it felt natural.

"This feels good right" Derek looked down at Addison

"Yeah it does, I just didn't realise how much I missed New York" and how much I missed you, Addison wanted to add but she didn't. Derek rubbed Addison's back with his hand, Addison felt like where he was touching her skin would burn up. She jumped up from the couch making Derek surprised.

"I'm going to get some more wine you want some ?" Addison fiddled with her clothes, looking at Derek

"I could have some scotch" Addison walked into the kitchen, taking small breath trying to focus her. She could nit have feelings for Derek, she was trying to move on. She grabbed the bottle of wine and poured it to her glass and the she went to look for the scotch.

She sat down beside Derek in the couch again, handing him his drink. She leaned against his shoulder not sure what she was trying to accomplish, she need him to be near her that's all.

"Don't you ever think what a waste it is to throw away all our history?" She sipped slowly on her wine as she spoke

"Sometimes, I do" He looked at her with those eyes, those intense eyes. He brought one of his hands up to her face, caressing it. Slowly he brought her face closer to his and then kissed her, Addison moaned slightly as their tongues met. He tasted like she remembered and the sensation of kissing Derek again was like coming home. Derek's body weight pressed Addison down on the couch, their bodies being closer and closer to each other.


	5. Must be something in the way you move

A/N: Birthday present to Right Hand Blue

But I'm not kidding more reviews people

Oh slight rating bump

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The first thing Addison noticed when she woke up was that Derek had his arms around her like he used to do when they were married, the second thing she noticed was that they were both naked. Addison crawl out of Derek's grip around her and woke him up, while waiting for him to wake up, she wrapped a couple of sheets around her tightly when a series of glimpses from last night flash through her mind._ Sweaty bodies pressed together, wet kisses, calling out names in ecstasy and desire for the other._

"What happened, why am I naked?" Derek looked at Addison, who had pulled up her knees to her chest

"Why do people get naked usually?" Addison shouted at him, Derek looked confuse but then got another look on his face. _Red and black hair tangled with each other, thrusting motions, the taste of her and __physical need of each other._

"This is not happening" Derek shook his head

"You couldn't keep your hands to yourself?" Addison furiously looked at him

"Me!? It wasn't like I had sex by myself was it?"

"If you hadn't kissed me in the first place, we would have slept in our own beds"

"You could have stopped" Derek frowned

"I can't do this, I can't be that person again, Derek you hear me, because if I go back to Seattle again, they will find out somehow and I will be the bad guy again, I can't be that person, not again not since they don't know nothing about me or us" Derek heard the 'if' about returning but decide not to push it.

"It's not your fault, it just happened and how will they know in Seattle know, it's not like we are going to tell them"

Addison felt her eyes water up.

"Of course but we would know" she looked pleading at Derek

"You knew you stayed with Mark when you were with me in Seattle" Addison felt like she just had been punched in the stomach, he had no right to bring that up and it was a low blow and he knew it

"Of course but I didn't go a day when I didn't think about mentioning it to you but then I saw the way you looked at Meredith everyday and I guess you just wouldn't care or just walk out the door" Addison knew it was a bad excuse but she felt that if Derek hadn't been ready to give her his all, she wasn't either.

"Of course I would care you're my wife"

"I WAS your wife, but I can't mess up again, I mess up all the time Derek" Derek saw the fear in her eyes. "I mess everything up, first my baby, for god sake I'm the best Neonatal surgeon in the country and I couldn't even save my own baby and because I can't deal with that, I messed my marriage up in a city that hates me, they don't know me but they judge me, so much. No one in Seattle actually likes me, except Callie maybe" again Addison broke down, Derek couldn't see her like this, he scoped her up in is arms and rubbed her back and tried to make her breath normally.

"You don't mess everything up, what happened to Lily was an accident and the people in Seattle like you just fine" Addison just shock her head and buried it deeper into Derek's chest

"I don't know how to do this, I don't know how to be me without you"

"But you will, you're Addison"

"It's not fair, I don't know how to feel without you, I don't know what to do when the memories plague me to much, you used to… used to help and let me know I wasn't alone but now I am and I don't know how to deal with it" Derek had nothing to say to that, he didn't know what to say because he reacted the same way when he moved to Settle, Meredith became his rescue, then Addison showed up and he remembered how to. Now after divorce he still felt but Meredith didn't take it away like she used to do. He still hadn't figured out how to do things without her so he could say nothing too her.

Addison clutched her hand around the sheets and looked up, looking for Derek. He wasn't around, just when she was about to call out for him she heard something coming from the bath room. She stuck her head in to see what was going on, she gasped as she saw Derek sitting in the tub naked.

"Oh my god Derek what are you doing?" She tried to look away

"It's not like you haven't seen it before, you want to join me? You look like you need it"

Addison considered it for a moment, sure they shouldn't be doing stuff like that but come on they already had sex and she could really use it. She had soon stripped out of the shirt she borrowed from Derek that morning. She felt the warm water flood around her as she leaned against Derek's chest and feeling his hand landing on her stomach. Before their marriage fell apart they did this as often as they got a chance to, last time she was pregnant and they both were happy. She exhaled and sank further in and closer to Derek's chest.

"I missed this, Addie" Derek's hand went through her hair

"Me too" Addison let her head fall back against Derek's shoulder , so she was half kind of facing him, Derek pressed a kiss to her temple and inhaled the scent of her hair.

"So what is this?"

"This is a break form everything, It's nothing and we won't ever mention it again when we come back to Seattle" Addison responded, how much she wanted too, she couldn't get involved again with Derek. This was their final goodbye. They lay along time in the tub, caring about each other. Derek washed Addison's hair but for the most time they just lay there feeling the once so familiar body once again and enjoying it.


	6. I'm not sure just yet

A/N: Some fun in this chapter, I think anyway.

Well, you all should know the drill by now, review !

It really isn't that hard, just type a inch of lines for all the love (and hair pulling) I put behind this story ♥

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Derek nudged Addison's shoulder in an attempt to wake her up, trying not to stare at her naked ass. 

He sank to his knees and watched Addison as she slowly started to wake up. Derek pressed a light kiss to her lips, making her all warm and goofy happy inside.

"Merry Christmas Addie" He slipped a tray of food in front of her, she inspected the food like it was going to kill her.

"Did you make this?"

"Merry Christmas to you too Derek" Derek said to himself and frowned a bit at her, and then kissed her again.

"It's just a bowl of cereal, even you can not mess that up and I was planning to eat it with you but if you going to be like that I'm eating in the kitchen"

"We both know that if you got here with me, we wouldn't be eating much" To prove Addison wrong he got down with her.

"See it works… Can we now eat I'm hungry"

"You're horny? Way to be subtle Derek" Addison looked at him with a grin on her face, Derek groaned that comment didn't make him any less eager to jump her right now.

"H-u-n-g-r-y Addison, we can deal with the other later" Addison took a spoon of the cereals, and then gave one to Derek.

They had decided to just be the two of them on Christmas Eve, just cuddle and enjoy the season. Take one day in a time, but around noon all they did was to call people to wish them merry Christmas and assure them that their present just got lost in the mail. After almost two hours, at least half of them got spend with Derek's old aunt, it was just three people left on the list; Callie, Mark and Meredith.

"I can take Mark and Callie, That's only fair" Derek nodded and walked into another room. Addison picked up the phone and dialled Callie's number.

"Dr.Torres"

"Hi, It's me Addie; Merry Christmas Callie"

"Awww You remembered me, It was like you disappeared form the face of earth after we had that case with the stillborn, we got out on that glass and then you took of from New York, You coming back?" Addison shivered

"Probably not"

"Why not? You are going to leave me all alone with all the disrespecting Interns?" Addison laughed a bit, she had actually missed Callie she hoped they could remain in contact.

"I… There's to much of bad memories in Seattle, sure they are in New York as well, but New York is home, it's where my safe net is and before the most important part of it where in Seattle , now it's not"

"I get it, I do… Did you know Derek took of like a week after you, Meredith is very quiet where he went but she whines allot about he missing Christmas with her " Addison laughed at the irony

"What are you laughing about, you know where Derek is ?"

"He is here with me in New York, It's a long and sad story, I will tell you some other time"

"Whatever, I don't care, Merry Christmas Addison, Call again soon"

"I will Callie" Addison hung up the phone smiling, it sucked that she had too leave Callie behind in Seattle but like she said, when the most important part of her safe net wasn't with her anymore, she had no more reason to stay there.

The call to Mark was quick and she also told him that she probably would stay in New York but he should stay in Seattle and work things out with Derek. When she put the cordless phone back, she let out a sigh of relief; maybe it all was working out after all. She had a few more moments of quiet before she felt two arms loop around her waist and kissing her neck. Addison turned around facing Derek, she had already told her friends, or few of them, he was the only one left.

"Derek I need to tell you something" Derek looked concerned, whenever some one said that it was rarely good new for him.

"What ?" Addison took his hands in hers and lead him to the couch and they sat down.

"When you go back to Seattle on New Year 's Eve's, I'm going to stay in New York"

"For how long?"

"I'm moving back to New York, there's nothing left for me in Seattle, You was the reason I moved there and now I don't have you, the center of my safe net, I have no reason to stay there" Addison cupped his face in her hands and caressed his cheeks. She looked at him with this complete look of love shining through her eye, like the moment she set her eye's on him all the trouble that was there before vanished.

"But I need you in Seattle"

"You really don't, You just want me around because that's the way it's always been but you have other people in Seattle, they are your safe net and I can't move on and continue my life with you always there, especially not after this week" Derek was angry, he didn't want her to stay but he figured she was right and he really did want her to be happy, his anger faded away.

"I never really got the safe net thing you know?" Addison laughed and kissed him, tender and filled with loved and then leaned forward so they fell over, Derek with his back to the couch. He looked up at her, his eye's matching the expression she had before.

"I'm going to miss you Addie, But all I really want for you is to be happy, let's just make the best of this week " He kissed her again and the flipped them around, so he was on top.

"This is the last time we are going to be _AddisonandDerek_"


	7. It's a, it's a new day

A/N: So Derek is going back to Seattle in this chapter, hopefully he'll have fun or something.

Review! People

It really isn't that hard, just type a inch of lines for all the love (and hair pulling) I put behind this story ♥

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After multiple nights with multiple orgasms, they both decided to take it slow their last day. They had their real goodbye last night. Derek played lazily with Addison's hair.

"You think you will be alright?"

"You think I will have anymore panic attacks? Hopefully not and I will managed without you actually, I'm not sure how though but I managed before didn't I?"

"You where a catastrophe when I met you" Addison smacked him over his chest, Derek feigned hurt. They had spent the week like they used too, except visiting family and relatives. Addison had burnt as many meals like she used to do and Derek had taken Addison shopping after Christmas and carried her bags like he used to do. It wasn't just the food issue he was worried about, that he was leaving her behind in New York. If he had known it had have so much psychological impact on her as it did he never would have left in the first place but as Addison said, she had all her friends and family in New York they would help her.

"Isn't it pathetic that we are going to spend New years Eve in bed?"

"We are old, we are aloud to be pathetic"

"Ha, we are not old, I'm hungry you want something to eat?" Addison got up of the bed, Derek enjoyed the view she offered by had shredded last night's clothes before getting in the bed, She finally found a white and blue stripped shirt and some black lace panties, not like the one Meredith had worn, those kind was banned from Addison's drawers forever.

Addison looked through all the drawers they had in the kitchen before finding something she and Derek could eat, she hated that she probably was forced to sell the brownstone; it was to big for one person to live in. As she went up on the stairs her eyes found the wedding photo that was standing over the open fire, which was what she hated most. All the history that she and Derek had together was going to be nothing then statistics from now one. Addison also knew that she needed to move on, Derek had and she actually deserved better then what was in Seattle for her.

"I brought Juju" Addison sat down in the bed again, she handed over a mug to Derek

"I was wondering a thing… Is it okay with you if I tell Meredith about Lily?" Addison flinched at the question, they hadn't talked about was going to happened next. Of course she knew that he would be with Meredith, they had never said anything else but if they didn't talk about it, it made it less real and a lot less guilt to deal with. Addison had never considered the people in Seattle knowing of Lily but she guessed that at least Meredith needed an explanation, it wasn't like she was going to live their anymore so.

"It's okay, If she promise to never tell anyone else , I don't want the hole hospital to know, it's only okay because she is your girlfriend and has a right too know." Derek leaned in and kissed Addison again

"Thank you, you want to check out some old photo albums?" Addison nodded, Derek went up and a few minutes later he was back with three albums. He got in the bed and when Addison lay beside him, he looked mysterious at her and then he pulled her up so she was laying on top of his chest, then they started to look at the pictures.

"When was this taken?" Addison pointed to a picture of her, Derek, Sam and Naomi

"I think it was when we first started our internship"

"I miss Naomi, I actually thought about visiting her but then other stuff came up " Derek wrinkled his brows and then remember that Addison had talked about going down to LA when they had dressed up for Prom, Derek kissed her temple like that would take away all the hurt he had caused her.

"This is from residency, you and Mark had just performed that major surgery together" Addison pointed at the two guy, with ridiculously big smile plastered on their faces.

"I hate him but I miss him too, he was my brother"

"I know" Addison kissed his neck, she also knew that they probably would get along more when she wasn't in Seattle.

"God, I'm going to miss you like crazy when I'm back in Seattle, I just thought you always would be around"

"Me too, I just never thought how life would be without you…How did we end up here?"

"I'm not sure, we won't get old and wrinkled together, this is really the end, No one ever thinks about the end to the fairytale" Both realised that even if they both loved each other and wanted it back, it couldn't happened anymore, they had taken their chances. Everything comes to a point where it isn't fixable anymore even how much willpower there is to do it.

"When does your flight go?" Derek shut the album and looked at Addison, he wanted so much to say that he changed his mind and he would also stay in New York but he couldn't, they needed to accept their end.

"6 Pm from JFK"

"So we need to go in about four hours?"

"Yeah pretty much"

"Up for a hot shower?" Addison grinned mischievous at Derek and then got up and with her back turned against him, she dropped the shirt she had on to the floor. Addison slowly stepped out of her panties as well; Derek still only saw her back. He pretty much jumped out of the bed and joined Addison in the shower when he heard the water being turned on. Addison is leaning against Derek as the hot water splashes over them; he has his hand around her waist. As Addison let her head fall back against his shoulder he whispers in her ear; making her shiver.

"I don't want sex" He takes out a soap and foams it up in his hand and the rubs it in over Addison bodies, when he is done Addison starts to shampoo his hair. Addison massage it in his scalp, actually making him moan out and when she pulls her hand through his hair, she feels something hard pressing against her lower stomach.

"I thought you said now sex Derek" Addison giggled as she rinsed out the shampoo from his hair, Derek spun her around and kissed her in the crook of her neck.

"I know, it's hard when you are doing that and your boobs are almost in my face" Derek's hand found it's way to her breasts and he slowly started massage them, earning a moan from Addison.

They had lasted for another 5 minutes before Addison had found herself pressed up against a wall and now they where getting dressed again. Addison had a tight pencil skirt on and an emerald green blouse. Derek looked at her then opened his mouth but to close it again, he wasn't sure how to say this.

"I was thinking… That I should go and visit Lily's grave before I head back " Addison turned around, her hole expression and body language change, from being happy and present. It was almost like she had blocked it out a bit.

"I… we should, I haven't been there since Mark" Derek pulled Addison into a hug, her petite body almost vanishing into is embrace, at least that's what it felt like to her.

Addison put the red rose onto the frozen ground and then backed away, she looked away trying to contain her tears. She felt Derek's arms around her shoulders.

"You know it's going to be fine right"

"I hate how this affect me so much, before you mentioned it I was happy and couldn't care less about the future or that I'm alone but I'm still happy I feel something and I get this way, she was my little girl, you know" Addison hand dropped to her stomach where once there had been a baby, that would been born into a loving marriage instead of now a crashed and burned one. Some days she was sure she still could feel her baby kick or move inside of her, the tears that flowed from her eyes tasted salty when they hit her lips. Derek's hands where placed over hers, she could feel his controlled breath in her ear and his tears that landed on the exposed skin around her collarbone. She turned around and looked into his teary eyes, she smiled weary or a try for smile anyway, wrapping her arms around his waist and leaning into a kiss. Both mouths looking for the comfort they desperately searched and the sense of coming home, to the soft lips you kissed for 15 years. Their tongues living in symbois, instead of fighting a battle and as they parted, their lips stayed locked for a little longer, remembering the feeling. Derek looked at Addison, she was trying so hard, she hadn't deserved any of this and he thought of Lily, not only the lost of a child, a loss of a life, a marriage and the happy ever after. Maybe they would find it again someday but it was too late with each other, even how much he wished it wasn't. This time Addison pulled Derek into a hug, pulling in the scent she for so many years connected with home so she could remember it forever.

"We should go, you have a plane to catch" Addison finally said after standing in that position for over ten minutes

"Yeah, Good bye Lily"

"Bye babygirl" Derek took Addison's hand and led her to the car, both still stealing last glances of the tombstone for their baby.

Derek had checked in his entire luggage and had just been called to board his flight.

"So I guess this is really goodbye then, you sure about staying in New York" Derek knew she was sure, he just needed to be sure, they where standing face to face, Derek had his hand on the small of her back and Addison hands where draped around his waist.

"I guess it is, but I promise to come back some day"

"Alright… I love you, promise you be happy that's all I really want especially when I can't make you happy" Addison kissed him one more time

"I love you so much and I want to be happy and I'll will someday, Derek you have always made me happy, even if I'm pissed as hell you sometimes you still make me happy, made me happy, just promise you be happy as well "

"I will someday" they kissed one final time, it wasn't passionate it was more like a kiss that said everything they couldn't say to each other and showed their undeniable love for each other. The final call for Derek's flight was called out and he started to move to the gate. He kissed Addison on the forehead and hugged her one last time.

"I love you"

"I love you too" She screamed after him.


	8. I'm on my knees

A/N: Thank you guys for all the awesome reviews, here comes next chapter:

Review people !

It really isn't that hard, just type a inch of lines for all the love (and hair pulling) I put behind this story ♥

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Derek walked into the trailer, dropping his bag to the floor and sits down at the table. What do you do after you just ended it for real with you the person you thought you was going to spend the rest of your life with, Derek had though that he had would have shaken this feeling of emptiness when he got back to Seattle but it kept haunting him. It was like he had left apart of him with Addison in New York,_ I don't know how to do this without you, I don't know how to be me without you._ Addison's word echoed in his mind, he had been fine before he went to New York, he and Meredith where on their way towards something and he rarely thought of Lily or Addison for that matter. Now it was like he gotten a taste for it again and he couldn't function without it, the sensation of Addison still lingered on his skin and the thought of never seeing Addison again made him short of breath. His cell started vibrate against the hard table, he picked it up and the caller ID said "_Meredith"_the thought of have to talk to Meredith was very un-appealing so he let it go to voicemail, he didn't care. He felt like this the first time he came to Seattle as well, but now he wasn't so sure Meredith could take it away this time. He sighed and started to un-dress and climbed into bed hoping tomorrow would give him answers. He still couldn't bring him self to lay on the side of the bed that used to be Addison's, after laying and staring at the ceiling for about two hours Derek gave up and sat up again and started thinking. Why did he suddenly miss Addison so much, they where divorced and he was supposed to be happy with Meredith. He had told Addison they where trying and before that day had been over he had slept with Meredith, he was surprised Addison would even look at him. Derek groaned, he was twisting his mind in twists and was nowhere near a conclusion. He wasn't even sure what he was asking himself, if he really was still in love with Addison and wanted her back, which he even recognized was a little bit late or if he just missed her for not being here, when he had always had her around. He fell back again in a groan.

_Addison watched the small coffin, she had promised herself that she wouldn't break down today, not today. In some weird way it was a way of honouring her daughter, show the respect of not totally crashing, it made perfect sense to Addison and it made absolutely no sense either. She __would have broken her promise unless, halfway through the ceremony, Derek had slipped behind her and held a steady grip around her waist. Addison hated that she still looked pregnant, that there was still a visible bump on her stomach, something that had brought so much joy now only brought sorrow and heartbreak. Derek kept whispering soothing words in her ear, if he hadn't standing behind her she would have laying at ground in a crying mess, now she was a crying mess but with her loving husband arms around her. As Derek's mother went up and began to talk, Addison let out a audible sob and her legs couldn't carry her anymore not even when Derek was holding her up, Derek always kept her up. Derek followed Addison down to the floor, holding her tightly almost cradling her. Addison didn't care if anyone saw her or what they thought about her anymore, all she wanted was to have her daughter back. The tears had a permanent place in Addison and Derek faces, Derek took in the scent of Addison hair as he tried to comfort her, she looked up at him, her blue eyes blurry and red._

"_It's not fair" She stammered out in a whisper_

"_I know Addie, I know it never is"_

Addison shut up in sitting position; she hadn't had that nightmare in a long time. As she tried to take a deep breath a pain shoot through her body, wrenching her heart and sending a icy shiver through her head down her spine. She tried to focus her breathing but she couldn't get air down her lungs, it felt like someone was stomping on her chest as she breathed in. She curled up to fetal position, wishing for the pain to go away, it would but not for a very long time. About a month after Derek had left and she had stayed with Mark, it took her almost the hole night to calm down, Mark had given up trying to sooth her around 3 Am and just ran a hand over her hair. She wanted Derek, to be there, to hold her and sooth her. Addison's eye caught the phone that was laying on the nightstand.

Derek woke up by his phone ringing, he sighed, he was still of for 4 more days. He picked the phone and checked the caller ID, if it was Meredith he was hanging up right now but it wasn't someone he had in his phone. After thinking a bit he realised it was the number from the brownstone, he quickly answered the phone.

"Addison?"

"It hurts, and you aren't here, it hurts so much" Derek's heart broke when he heard Addison's voice, he should have stayed with her in New York

"Addie hun, try take deep breath and focus on my voice" Derek heard Addison whimper through the phone. Derek started talking in a deep and soothing voice.

"Think about Central Park, in a beautiful spring day when we still was in med. school, you, me, Naomi, Sam, Savvy, Weiss and Mark would always hang out there when our schedules allowed it. Remember when had a picnic there and you and me accidentally started a food fight, Naomi was so pissed that day and those time when Mark's girlfriends lasted a little longer and he brought them with him and you all would be bitchy towards her, not openly but still he never brought a girl twice. " Derek smiled at the memories

"No, he brought a girl several times, Anna was her name I think but then she moved to LA" Addison said quietly, her body felt sore, like after 4 hours of yoga. She finally had been able to breathe and her pain had subsided to a dull pain and a bit numbing feeling.

"You calmed down, what happened?" Addison had never thought that Derek could have calmed her down just through the phone, she was relieved it had worked.

"Yes, you did, I had a dream about her funeral" There was a natural calmness between Derek and Addison that was making everything but each other disappear.

"I'm sorry Addison, I should have stayed longer"

"I can't keep leaning on you for the rest of my life, but thank you" It tugged a bit in Derek when she said that she couldn't keep leaning on him.

"It will be okay, it may take some time but you will be okay" They kept on talking for hours, about everything. They went from what kind of groceries they need to buy to thoughts about Lily and them, when the sun started to rise in Seattle they where still talking.

"I have to go, I won't call you anymore in the middle of the night"

"Add, it's fine"

"No it's not, I need to be able to deal with this by myself, and we are divorced for a reason…"

"But then what the hell happened when we where in New York?" Derek didn't see the need to cut all ties with Addison, he didn't want to. Addison chose to ignore that.

"I can't move on when I talk to you all the time, it will be a reminder of what I lost and what I did, I can't and I want to move on Derek, I can't be in love with you for the rest of my life and I can't keep having these panic attacks"

"I get it, I do but I will miss you like hell Addison" Addison laughed slightly

"We have been over this, but I probably come to Seattle sometime, I promise"

"Promise me also, that if you have another attack and it gets really bad, you call me" Addison knew she would have many more, it was just something that she felt was going to happened. She hesitated before speaking again.

"Okay… I Promise"

"Good, goodbye then Addi-bee" Addison laughed at Derek's ridiculous nick name for her.

"Bye Derek" They both hanged up and sighed, then barley audible whispered to the phone to dialling tone.

"I love you"

Addison pulled her sheets around her, feeling more alone then she ever felt. Being in the house that she and Derek bought to raise their family in, where they would have forever in. She couldn't hold on to it anymore but she didn't want to let it go, because if she let it go she would let apart of herself go and that was so scary. That tiny fragment of hope that Derek would change his mind and come and get her back faded more and more everyday. Even if he would she wasn't sure she could take him back, her heart would do it in a blink of a eye but the rational part of her would doubt her decision everyday, Derek was the only person that took away her pain but he was also the person that inflicted most pain on her, which she had done on him as well. The fabric scratched against her skin as Addison made her way out of the bed, walking around in the brownstone memories of her and Derek flooded back to her mind. They where mostly happy and funny ones, from where they had moved in, when Derek had picked up her and Savy after a night out when they barley could stand up, Derek and Mark yelling at the TV when the baseball players didn't do as they should , hanging out with their closets friend circle before everything got business and they where still young, she and Derek spending days off and said sick days in bed, finding out about her being pregnant and Derek made a wonderful meal just for her to throw it all up. Addison stabilized herself against the oak doorframe looking into their living room, of course their had been a lot of horrible memories as well, when one of them lost a patient, the two weeks after Lily was born that when they did nothing just trying to cope with what had happened, the first time she was alone in the brownstone after Lily because she had longer time of then Derek, realising that Derek was slipping away and she could do nothing for his grief, sleeping with Mark and Derek throwing her out in the rain but being there without Derek was what hurt her the most. Addison wanted him and she need him to stay sane but she couldn't have him and it was all her fault, she leaned against the wooden frame and slipped to the floor, bringing her knees to her chest and hugging them.

Derek put the phone back and looked around in the trailer; it seemed kind of empty without Addison's things lying around. It still smelled like Addison though, the first time Meredith had been there since the divorce she had asked what that lovely smell was and he had shrugged is shoulders, he didn't want to tell Meredith and he dreaded the day the smell would disappear. The smell would disappear one day though like Addison had, Addison was gone, just like had wanted. Gone, vanished, lost forever disappeared, non-existing. Addison didn't have a part in his life anymore; a part of his life for 16 years was gone. Nothing had such big constant part of his life and nothing would ever have it either and his only reaction to that had been relief to finally be able to be with Meredith, he had never thought about how his life would be without Addison. He had just wanted to get rid of her, make her hurt like he had been by her, like she hadn't have enough pain in her life, like they both hadn't had enough pain in their lives. Derek got out of their bed to make him some coffee, it was too early to be up and too early to go back to sleep. He slowly sipped his coffee, feeling the energy coming to him. That didn't mean that he could focus his thoughts on something else, pictures of him and Addison kept popping up in his head, and of Addison in Seattle. It had seemed the right things to do at the moments but now not such a good plan; he had hurt Addison so much. Derek was supposed the person she could always depend on and trust on, and he had hurt her so much, pushing her so far away that she thought he hated her. Derek needed Addison as well, maybe not in all the ways Addison need him but Addison had always given him, what Meredith gave him when he first came to Seattle, that was the one thing they had in common, Meredith had kept him floating when his feelings towards Addison had been everywhere and he had felt so betrayed but Addison had kept floating through all the bad times they had and bad days. She might feel that she didn't help him with grieving Lily but she did, just her being there helped, and when they where happy, when none of them need help to get through the day, she being there made his day even better. They was in love for long and they had build their relationship under a very long time, they had come over bumps in the road together, they fully trusted each other and they had always been able to talk. Derek was never once where worried that Addison would cheat on him again and he didn't think Addison never had been either, she had trusted him to much. Derek let a out a big sigh and felt a tear go down his cheek, he brushed it away and dropping his head in his head. The tears burning inside of his eyes, he let out a scream, a pained scream.


	9. Get myself back

Ugh You guys know the drill and I had really bad week so reviews are love.

Izzie was slowly sipping on her coffee at the nurses station, Dr. Webber had called to a meeting for all personal on the surgical wing, even if she still was on probation she was supposed to attend. She actually wanted to talk with the chief after the meeting because Addison had said that she was willing to be her mentor again if she wanted too, she wanted too but then Addison had gone to New York. Addison had actually given her the number to her cell but she hadn't had the guts to call her yet. Izzie dropped the mug in a trashcan and started walking towards Webber's office.

"As you all know, Dr. Robert had been the replace for Dr. Montgomery during her leave of absence, I talked to Dr. Montgomery and Mt. Sinai chief of surgery yesterday and we are doing a switch with them this year and the rest of Dr. Montgomery's contract. This means that Dr. Robert will act as head of Neo-Natal until Mt. Sinai's Head of Neo-Natal starts here" Izzie suck in a breath, this was very bad, she had really been looking forward to working with Addison again, a fifth year resident had raised his hand.

"Yes what Dr. Smith?" Richard looked slightly annoyed, he was not happy that Addison was moving back to New York but he had known Addison and Derek since Med. School and he knew this was hard on Addison, probably on Derek too. He was going to talk to Derek about why he had too go so fast to New York later.

"Does this mean that Dr. Shepherd will transfer too?" Izzie saw Meredith's head snap around, Izzie couldn't help but slightly giggle.

"No, not that he told me about and I talked to him a few days ago when he got back to Seattle" Izzie saw Meredith's head snap around again, and her jaw dropping slightly

"So If there is no more further questions, this meeting is finished" All the doctors scattered and started walking out, the interns head towards the cafeteria except Meredith that had stayed at the chiefs office.

All the interns sat around one table, George completely ignoring Cristina.

"I can't believe Addison isn't coming back" Izzie poked her food with her fork, Meredith showed up in the entrance, she looked around for a moment before noticing them and coming over.

"Can you believe him, he had been in Seattle since the first and I called him like two times a day and he hasn't been answering" Meredith looked pissed at her food.

"Maybe he and Addison is hiding out in trailer" Alex smirked at her, Izzie kicked him under the table and mouthing "Jerk" to him

"I'm happy she's gone, means I don't have to slave under her anymore" Everyone knew Alex really liked serving under her but didn't say anything, they all fell into a comfortable silence, Cristina was impatiently chewing on her apple.

"Me and Burke broke up" All head snapped around to Cristina

"But your Burke and Cristina, your not supposed to break up" Meredith said, her voice slightly hesitant

"He told me he should have told the chief about his tremors and that he loves the women he trying to make me, I don't care." The interns kept talking and eating, all of them still mesmerized by the fact that Burke and Cristina was over. George tried to act like he didn't care and that he wasn't interested, but he still cared about Cristina, he did. He was just about to say something when Callie walked by, making him choke on his word but Callie blankly ignored him, she looked a bit down but still completely ignoring him.

"I can't believe her, before she was waiting for me to commit but now she just ignores me, she told me that I need to realise that people isn't flawless, she slept with Sloan"

"But you had broken up George" Meredith quipped in

"She had, I hadn't"

"Bambi, If one person ends it, it's kinda over" Alex looked over at George

"But…" George shock his head, Meredith started tapping something on her phone again.

"Could you guys cover for me?" The interns nodded back at her.

Meredith stepped out of her car and walked with angry steps towards the trailer. Derek had been in town for four days and she had called him twice a day and he hadn't answered a single time, she wanted to pluck his hair slowly. Her heel made a aggressive sound against the porch, she pulled the door open and stepped in fully prepared for yelling at him. Derek was sitting at the table nursing a glass of something, his eyes swollen from crying and he looked like he hadn't shaved for a month, Meredith's expression suddenly softened as he looked up at her with a pained expression. Meredith put her hands over his.

"You look beaten, what happened in New York and why didn't you tell me you where home?"

"I didn't want to talk to you, I'm going to tell you about New York but first you need to know why I was there in the first place, it contains a lot of me and Addison , so you know Meredith nodded, she was a bit worried about what she was going to hear.

"It all started about a 2 years before I came to Seattle, when Addison tells me she is two weeks late and she had been sick too. A day after we go in to see her gynaecologist, she tells us that Addison is about 4 weeks pregnant…."

"What?!..." Meredith looked with horror at Derek

"You have to let me finish Mere" Derek grasped Meredith's hand

"We had discussed having kids before but Addison wasn't ready but she was now, we was so happy and excited about that baby. She had a perfect pregnancy no problems what so ever, when she was about 6 months we where walking in the park, when we where on our way back she slipped on the ice that was hidden under some newly fallen snow and landed on her side, she said she felt the baby move but we went to the hospital anyway just to be sure" Derek swallowed hard and tears started to form in his eyes again "About 4 hours later Addison delivered Lily, my little girl, still born, my little girl, I helped her through it all and promised her that we would get through it and I would always be there for her" Derek let his tears fall and looked in Meredith's eyes

"That's why I had to go to New York, because I promised her that I would be there for her with Lily and I broke all the other promises I made towards her" Meredith looked at her boyfriend, that was in tears, she felt horrible for even thinking he hide a child from her. Addison had delivered a stillborn baby, Addison had carried Derek's child

"I'm so sorry Derek"

"Don't mention this to anyone, this is mine and Addison's business, even if we fight and you hate me for being an ass you can't tell anyone" Meredith nodded , Derek kissed her and the kiss was good and it felt like usual it just didn't take the pain away, like Meredith did the first time he was in Seattle , Meredith couldn't take away this pain only Addison could.

"I'm coming in tomorrow " Meredith nodded, they kissed one last time and she got out of the trailer, feeling happier that Derek had a real reason for being away and heartbroken because of what he had gone through. Derek watched her as she got in the car, he fell in love with her because she took away the pain caused by Mark and Addison but now Meredith couldn't take away any of it, she wasn't his breath of fresh air anymore.

Addison had a hot cup of coffee in her hands as she walked around the brownstone. Her eye's got caught on an old photo album on the top of a bookcase. She put down the coffee on the coffee table and took it down; she was pretty sure about what was in the album. The dust flew around the room as she wiped the leather frames with her arm; Addison folded her legs beneath her as she sat down on the floor with the album in her lap. It was one of many album's she and Derek had but this was the very special one, where they had put in photos from example there graduation, wedding and different holidays. She started to flip through the pages, the happy faces and often formal clothes, Addison remembered every one of these occasions. One special photo got her attention, she was pretty sure it was Mark that had snapped the photo, they where at their Hampton's home and both sitting at the beach. The photo was taken in the sunset, but the sun isn't in focus, Addison and Derek is, she is leaning in against his chest and he is whispering something in her ear and had is arms loosely draped around her waist. The position or the place isn't something special but the way the sun falls on them and the way they both look is making the photo shine with love, an undying and clear love.

_Addison felt Derek's chest rising at every breath he took, it was soothing. She felt like she was almost falling asleep._

"_You awake honey?" Derek whispered in her ear_

"_Barley, but I don't want to leave, can't we just stay here forever" Being in this moment forever, in her husband arms, his lips against her neck and by the sea, listening to the waves breaking against the shoreline, was her highest wish right now. Derek's arms tightened around her, pulling her closer to him if possible. _

"_Me too, me too Addie" Derek kissed her neck and then leaned his head against her shoulder. _

Addison let out a big sigh, even with all the bad memories and the heartbreak; they had had good times, they had been so in love and after that feeling of something new had started to fade a deep and clear love had started to grow. She shock her head slowly, she wasn't supposed to think about him anymore but how could she not, he was Derek. Addison continued to look through the album and at the last page a Christmas photo was. Addison felt her eyes burn again, it was the last Christmas they had spent together before everything had fallen apart, Derek had his arms around her and both their hands where resting on her stomach, where a much visible baby bump was. They had been so happy and they had just announced it to the rest of the Shepherd family, that Addison and Derek was finally having their first baby. Addison was sure that Nancy had already figured it out, since they where working at the same hospital but she hadn't told anyone which they where grateful for. Their happiness hadn't lasted for very long though, Addison felt a few tears making their way down her cheeks and her chest tightened. The pain wasn't as bad like it used to be but it was still there, she couldn't call Derek again, Addison gasped for air as she tried to calm down. Tears where now streaming down her face and the sobs was racking her body, making her tremble. It felt like she was in a downward spiral heading down in a bottomless hole, Addison really started to panic when black dots where dancing in front of her eyes. She tried to remember what Derek had told her and focus on the memories of his voice, as she started think of happy memories of her and Derek the tightness in her chest started to give in. The black dots also stopped dancing but the tears continued. Addison pulled in a deep breath in relief, she had actually by herself stopped it, she was still crying but she could breath and only felt a dull pain. Bringing her knee closer to her in an effort for something to hold on too the tears eventually subsided, at first she felt relived that she was capable of stopping these herself but then a nagging feeling stuck in her stomach. When she could stop this herself it meant she didn't need Derek for her and that she could move on from Derek. That was what she had hoped for but was she ready to let go or did she really want to let go of Derek, the man she consider the love of her life.


	10. waiting for someone

SO Derek is finally having a reaction to things. Hope you'll like.

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The nurse's eyes followed him as he walked through the entrance of Seattle Grace; Meredith had called him and asked him if they were going to ride together this morning. They had barley spoken during the entire car ride; he had nothing to say to her. Meredith nudges his shoulder.

"Are we eating lunch together?" Derek nodded at her and she reached up to kiss him before heading towards her locker room. Derek couldn't help to feel guilty, about the way he treated Meredith and that he and Addison slept with each other numerous time in New York and that he took the first step when they where sober, he didn't regretted it though or he didn't felt like he regretted it. He walked towards the attendings locker room, it held some good memories of him and Addison as well, and he smirked when he glanced at the shower. He then froze, he wasn't suppose to think about all the good memories he and Addison had when he already was doubting his relationship with Meredith, as soon as that thought had entreated his mind he realized what he was thinking. Since when did he doubt his love towards Meredith, he let out a long sigh.

"Problems man?" Mark was leaning against a row of lockers.

"None of your business" Derek snapped and looked at Mark, and for the first time when he saw Mark's hands he doesn't picture them running along Addison body and pleasing her, and he doesn't picture Mark and Addison's sweaty bodies pressed together groaning.

"It just seems a little bit odd that the day after Addison has gone to New York you also go to New York and when you come back you won't let Meredith know"

"It was about Lily, Savy called and said she was a wreck" The grin Mark had been having on his face disappeared and his entire body shifted making him look smaller, Mark was supposed to be Lily's god father.

"I'm so sorry man, she had a few of those when we were together, it was terrible to not being able to help her"

"She never told me that she had them when she was in Seattle, she told me when I was in New York but what is horrifying and heartbreaking is getting a phone call in the middle of the night from Addison when she cries out that it hurts so much and you aren't there to take the pain away" Derek slams the locker shut before storming out of the locker room, Mark was hoping that Derek maybe was confiding in him and actually could tolerate being in the same room as him, he leaned against the lockers again defended.

In the privacy of his office Derek relaxed, he hadn't meant to be so harsh against Mark; he knew how helpless he would have felt when he couldn't help Addison. For once in Seattle the sun was shining and as one of Richard's favourite's he had one of the best offices at Seattle Grace, at least when the sun was shining which was making the room almost vibrating in the light. He leaned into his chair and thought about Mark and Addison, how he had thought what he and Meredith had was better and what Mark and Addison had because he had fallen in love with the rescue, but what if Mark had been to Addison what Meredith had been to him with the exception that she fell out of love with him or never was in love with him. To be able to stand with herself and survive she had stayed with Mark because her husband had fled across the country. Derek shock his head, he would never be able to figure this out without Addison and he was pretty sure she didn't know either. Not seeing the images of Mark and Addison over and over again when he talked to Mark was a relief maybe he was a step closer to forgiving not that he never would forget. He wondered why Addison had waited to after the divorce to tell him that she had stayed with Mark, he would have gotten mad at her if she would have told him when they still where together but he would still work on their marriage, right. He let out another big sigh as his pager went of and he hurried of.

"Derek, are you listening to me at all?" Meredith looked slightly annoyed at him, as she stabbed her salad with her fork.

"I'm sorry, what were you saying?" Meredith smiled at him again, letting it pass.

"Major things happened as you were gone, for example you knew that Burke and Cristina wasn't talking" Derek nodded as he drank his coffee

"They broke up, Burke said something about make Cristina into something she's not and now Callie and George are defiantly over, she slept with Sloan " Derek nearly choked on his coffee

"Mark slept with Torres, well other relationship as survived adultery with Mark" He said while trying to dry some of the coffee with a napkin.

"Well you and Addison divorced because of it"

"Our marriage didn't end because of that" Derek almost snapped at her and Meredith looked like she was on her way of saying something when her pager went of.

"I'm going to trailer tonight" Derek said as she walked of, before getting deep in thoughts again. Why Addison hadn't told him about Mark had bothered him all day, he got up and walked out of the cafeteria.

Addison reached for her alarm clock to shut it of when she realised it was the phone, she jumped out of the bed and hurried towards the phone.

"Addison Montgomery" she answered with her breath caught in her throat, whose idea was it to only have one phone and have it nowhere near the bed room.

"Why didn't you tell me you stayed with Mark until after the divorce?" It took awhile before Addison connected the voice with its owner.

"Give me a minute Derek, you woke me up" Addison pressed the phone to her ear with her shoulder as she started to make herself a cup of coffee.

"Okay I'm back, what where you saying?"

"I asked you why didn't you tell me you stayed with Mark until after the divorce?"

"I was mostly afraid that you would leave me if I told you, but you where also busying flirting with Meredith, and you kept saying that you where trying to work on our marriage but still nothing really happened, so if you had stopped flirting with Meredith and gave our marriage a real chance I would have told you because I didn't want to give you my everything and get no effort in return" Derek considered the answer for awhile.

"Why didn't you just tell me ?"

"I just told you that and if I had told you would have left me in the blink of an eye; I was going to tell you I swear, I was just waiting for you to be in it with me and things to calm down" Derek thought that she was probably was right, he would have left her. She had lied, she had made him believe that it only was a one time thing not that she might have fallen in love with Mark, it was a totally different thing to forgive a affair then a one night stand, but did it really matter she was still Addison, the person he had taken vows with and the person that carried his child. Derek had loved Addison for 16 years and he still might do and he knew Addison, he was probably one of the few people that really knew her and Addison knew him, she had seen his worse days, best days and everything in between, Meredith had only seen his good days but not the best and defiantly not the worse. He had forgiven Addison, he believed so but that didn't mean he was still hurt and mad about it.

"So, how are things in Seattle?" Addison changed the subject quickly

"Slow and… dull, I think and…I told Meredith" Addison nodded slowly not thinking that he couldn't see it and Derek had no idea why he brought Meredith up

"Okay, that's fine, so how are you? I mean you and Meredith" Addison didn't want to be the bitter ex-wife that's why she asked, it wasn't like she actually wanted to know

"I don't know, we're okay I guess" The fact was that they was most not okay, Derek had no eager to see Meredith at all and he really hoped it would pass, and he and Meredith could truly be happy, because that what he had wished for the most of the time, probably not most the time either because he and Addison had actually been quite happy from time to time in Seattle. He got his wish.

A awkward silence began to form between them, Addison where trying to come up with anything to say.

"I'm going back to work today"

"Oh, well that's good, you going back to Mt Sinai?"

"Yes, It felt like the smartest move, but I'm coming to Seattle for a visit, I swear" Derek nodded into phone

"Good, I'm sorry 'bout calling you, you said you didn't want us to talk so yeah I'm sorry" Addison felt a warmness spread through her body, he was saying he was sorry for the most trivial thing.

"Thank you Derek, but I'll see you when I get to Seattle, I hope you can make space for me because it isn't a date or even a week I rather not spend alone"

"Oh, okay I'll see you then, Bye Addie" Derek wanted to tell her he loved her, because he did but he loved Meredith but he was fairly certain that he loved Meredith for being the help and what did that leave their relationship since she didn't help him to breath anymore.

"Bye Derek" The ex spouses hang up on each other, both left with a feeling of defeat. Addison clutched the phone in her hand keeping it her chest.

Addison stopped for a moment before stepping into Mt Sinai, she had so much memories from this hospital , from her and Derek in on call room as attending's but this also was the hospital she was admitted to after she fell and had to deliver Lily. She had been so sure that she had felt her moving after she fell but they where 150 yards from the hospital so Derek carried her there. At the time she had joked at him and that he didn't have to carry her. Many people including Derek had questioned her when she said she wanted to work at Mt Sinai again afterwards but it was here Derek was and all of their colleagues, some of them that they had known from med. School, was there, it was hard those first months but it got easier and most of the days Derek was near, or she knew he was anyway and that helped. Addison took another deep breath and went inside.

Addison spent the bigger portion of the day with the chief and filling in admin. Stuff but she had a few hours meeting her staff and interns and residents. There was especially one the chief wanted her too meet or the former head of Neonatal wanted her to meet anyway.

"Hey, Dr Montgomery I'm Mary Adams" The brunette stretched out her hand towards Addison, who took it

"Dr Richards was my mentor before she moved to Seattle and now you're my mentor" Mary smiled at Addison but her eyes betrayed her, she didn't like Addison according to her it was Addison's fault her mentor had moved.

"And I used to be Dr Richards mentor" A intern was not going to question her "Why don't you spend the day in the pit Dr Adams?"


	11. Keep me from falling

Soo there is a slight time diffrence here and if you don't figure it out lemme know. I also notice the sections get a little out of place so I'll try to fix it

**REVIEW!**

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"I'm serious Callie, I have only worked her for a month and a half, I can't come back to Seattle for a whole month" Addison was sitting in her couch, with her legs folded beneath her.

"You are still coming out a week before my birthday, why don't you stay a whole month, it's not really like you have choice" Callie muttered in the phone, as she was sitting and watching the Seattle rain.

"I was going to come out those dates despite you birthday, at least to meet that new man of yours, you saying it is someone I already know?" Two weeks ago Callie had called her, extremely happy and telling her that she had met the man of her dreams and she was going to meet him when she came to Seattle, even though she was happy that Callie had meet someone made her wish for someone even stronger and it was not helping her forget about Derek and especially not about what had happened between them during Christmas.

"You have no choice you're staying a month Addison"

"What are you not telling me?"

"Opps, I should not had said that, we took in a case of conjoined twins like 3 hours ago and Dr. Webber was just about to call you when he got rushed in to surgery, Oh I'm sorry Addison my pager just went of have to go, bye see you in a few days" Addison dropped her phone in her lap, she had promised Callie that she was going to come back to her birthday and Callie only mentioned her birthday in passage and Addison hadn't paid too much attention about it but had later realized that Callie's birthday was the day after Lily's birthday. Even if she told Callie she was there for her, she really was going to be in Seattle to be with Derek that day. She pulled her blanket closer to her body, she had decided to stay in the brownstone, after unpacking and going through all of hers and Derek's stuff she had conquered three more panic attacks. The last time she had been on the verge of calling Derek but something stopped her. Addison felt the phone vibrated against her thigh, she took a deep breath and answered it.

In two days its Lily's birthday or death day perhaps it should be but calling it birthday sounds so much better in her ears, Addison fiddled with her bags when she waits for Callie to open her door.

"Hi Addison" Callie pulled Addison in for a hug while leading her into her apartment, taking one of Addison three bags. After Addison had left Callie had felt incredibly lonely, George didn't want to talk to her at all and his friends just kept sending dirty looks at her all the time. She didn't had someone specially to talk to before either but she misses it even more now when Addison left.

"You want some wine?"

"Please yes" The both woman sat down at Callie's kitchen table, Callie handed her a glass of red.

"So, when do I get to meet that man of yours?" Addison took a sip of her wine and smirked at her

"Tomorrow at the hospital, cause we are having a girl's night out on my birthday"

"Is it okay if I get really drunk?" Callie laughed slightly at her

"Only if you join me to dance on the tables"

"Sure" They clinked their glasses together and smiled, Addison had missed Callie and all her worries about being in Seattle had vanished almost immediately. They sat for hours and talked, Callie told Addison about how everything had happened with George and what was going on with Meredith and Derek, accordingly to the gossip mill Derek spent less time at caza ála Interns and Meredith spent more time with her friends. Addison told her about the Intern giving her attitude at Mt Sinai and how she had missed to boss over people like that. Since both where working tomorrow they got to bed around 2 AM both slightly more tipsy and giggly then they should be.

When Addison woke up, she had a slight headache and feeling a bit nauseated, but the sheet she was using smelled like Callie and it was in some form comforting. She pulled on a big sweatshirt, not sure if it was her or Derek's from med. School, and walked out to the kitchen where Callie was sitting with coffee. Callie pushed a glass of water and aspirin towards Addison. Addison looked around Callie's apartment

"This sure beats Archfield" She took the aspirin and drank the whole glass of water before grabbing a cup of coffee

"Yeah, It does, I was lucky that I could move in so quickly but I guess my money helped a bit" Callie shrugged with a smirk on her lips towards Addison, who laughed at her.

"Well, its really nice one and it was smart of you to buy one with like 5 extra bedrooms as well" Her apartment was huge and Addison guessed that Callie and her mystery man had probably discussed moving in plans and that he had something to say about things when she bought it even if it's not was going to happened soon.

"I'm in love with it and it's only 10 minutes away from the hospital, Oh I forgot to tell you, unfortunately I'm on call tonight so you have to be here alone tonight " Callie's lips crocked downwards a bit, like to say she was sorry, but Addison smiled at her and shrugged her shoulders. She hopefully could spend the evening with Derek or perhaps Mark.

"It's fine, I can entertain myself or I find someone to hang out with" Callie nodded at her, then looked at the clock that was hanging in her enormous kitchen.

"We need to go now, your meeting with the chief starts in 15 minutes, I forgot to tell you"

"You had mind blowing sex that distracted you from telling me this?" Addison looked frazzled before throwing herself into Callie's bathroom, they where going to be so late.

Despite being fashionably late, Addison looked as put together as she always did, except her hair was hanging in naturals curl because she didn't had too much time this morning. After meeting with Richard, that wasn't that mad at her for being late and meeting her patients and coming up with a treatment plan, also like Callie said she concluded that she was going to be in Seattle for at least a month. The twin boys where 2 weeks from delivering and they was going to separate them after delivering them, then she wanted to watch them for at least 2 weeks by herself and their probably was going to be complications so she probably was going to stay longer. As she walked towards the cafeteria, earning glances from nurses and hearing whispers about he being back on her way there, she wondered if she could stay with Callie for a month or if she was going to stay there for awhile and then move to a hotel. Right inside of the entrance Burke and Cristina was sitting and making out, which was a little weird since they rarely showed public display of affection, as Addison picked up her lunch and started looking for Callie, she saw Callie sitting next to Burke. A big smile spread along Addison's lips, as she realised which person Callie had been talking about.

"So this is him" Addison said as she sat down beside them, still smiling.

"This is him" Callie thread her fingers through Burke's

"I'm happy for you but how?" When she had left Seattle Burke was happily together with Cristina and although she knew that Callie and George broke up, she didn't expect her to get together with Burke.

"How much have Richard told you about my tremor?" Burke said calm to her, with a confident smile on his lips.

"He mentioned it, and that you and Cristina had performing surgeries together while you still had them" Addison took a piece of her crappy salad, watching Burke closely

"We where together awhile after that but in total silence, after awhile I ended it, mostly because I was trying to make her something she wasn't" Addison nodded slowly but watching Callie's reaction, Callie seemed pretty calm though.

"Always a gentleman" Addison laughed slightly and kept eating her salad, while Callie and Burke kept discussing something she wasn't fully paying attention too partly because she had a medical journal in front of her too. In the corner of her eye she saw Callie tense up as an attending walked up to Burke and started talking to him.

"Addison" When Addison looked up she was meet by a pair of blue eyes and a warm smile, her eyes met his making her smile too.

"Derek" Derek kept looking at her, not letting her eyes wander of somewhere else, and smiling at her. She had almost forgotten how his smile and his eyes made her. Derek had expected her to come some of these days, but he thought that she was going to let him know, not that he minded, Addison brighten up his day which had seemed to be the day from hell.

"You want to finish your crappy salad in my office?" Derek stretched out his arms towards her, she grabbed it and then picked up her journals and food.

"That was weird, what happened to barley civil divorced couple?" Burke said, clearly confused about Addison and Derek's behaviour, Callie was confused too until she remembered what Addison had told her on Christmas eve, maybe they became friends again then. Burke and Callie wasn't the only people that where confused, the Interns had been watching Burke, Callie and Addison. George and Cristina because they weren't really over their exes not they wanted to admit that, Meredith and Izzie had been watching Addison because Bailey had told them that the surgeon working on the conjoined twins had requested Izzie and was to report in the NICU after lunch. Meredith hadn't really began watching until Derek had arrived, she had at first thought that Addison was just ignoring him which made her surprisingly happy but then Derek and Addison had left together smiling at each other. They where all very confused.

Addison sat down in the chair in front of Derek's desk, his office was much larger then the one she used to have, while he was leaning against his desk. Derek had missed her when she was in New York and thinking that she could been having more panic attacks made him sleepless, he knew he was being a bit distant towards Meredith but some days he just couldn't help it. Normally he was the boyfriend he used to be but most days it mostly felt like an act he was putting up but some days he was happy with her and it was not an act. Even if he was happy with Meredith some days he knew he could be even happier, he hated to admit that these thoughts had plagued his mind since he realised Meredith didn't have the quality that made him fall in love with her anymore.

"I didn't know if you where gonna come?" The sun fell on her hair making the colour of it vibrate.

"I told you I was gonna come, did you know Callie's birthday is the day after?" His face looked more worn then it had done when they where in New York.

"It's good you're here, I need you here too" Derek placed his hand over hers and smiled towards her

"You didn't seem to need me so much last year" Addison muttered under her breath, the smile on Derek lips dropped

"I know Addie and I'm sorry I'm really are" He softly squeezed her hands, he was really sorry for the way he treated her in Seattle but like she couldn't take back that she slept with Mark he couldn't make it undone either. Addison looked up at him hurt evident in her eyes.

"I'm sorry too" She smiled carefully at him and tightened her grip around his hands

"So exactly are we doing tomorrow?"

"Callie's on call tonight and will be staying at the hospital so you could come over in the morning and I'm not really sure what we are doing, we usually just stay in bed but you just being here helps " Addison smiled at him, they had both took the day of on Lily's birthday even in Seattle they had done that, and had actually had a day when the problems of their marriage wasn't invading every minute and they had just comforted the other, so here comment had really been off hand.

"Meredith is on call as well, so I'm staying at the trailer if you rather want to come there or not" Derek chuckled as he saw the glare Addison gave him when he mentioned the trailer. Addison kept eating her salad and they talked about usual stuff and Addison told him about what was going on in New York and how their friends where, the only things they kept out was Meredith and Mark. After Addison had eaten and was on her way out, Derek kept looking at her like he wanted to ask something but he didn't.

"Five, four after I called you but I prevented them from being real panic attacks" A small smile grew on her lips and Derek smiled as well, but still felt weird about it. Now he wasn't the only one that could prevent them but when he visualized how she looked he immediately felt guilty for being so selfish instead of being happy she could manage by herself.

"That's great Addie" He smiled wide at her then she left the room, Derek feeling like everything stopped.

Addison was standing at the NICU nurses station and waiting for her intern, Dr Stevens, she had talked to Stevens before going to New York and had wanted if the girl still was willing, to be her mentor, after Denny she could really use one because according to Sydney, who was way to easy to get secrets out of when she was drunk, Izzie doubted if she really wanted to be a surgeon and Izzie had always showed a talent with small babies. She saw Izzie walking towards her, she smiled towards her.

"Dr Stevens, thought you wanted to work with me on this case" Izzie looked slightly nervous at Addison, but when she saw the smile on the attending's face it lessened and nodded towards her.

"I - I was gonna call you but then you started work at Mt Sinai" Izzie had in reality considered many times to call Addison she wasn't sure what she wanted to accomplish though when she was in New York

"If you really want to, I could easily get you to New York the intern I'm working with now is an idiot and she hates me because I and her former mentor switched hospital" Addison handed Izzie the chart and started walking towards the twin's mother room.

"I'm pretty sure I want to work with this although I'm not sure if it needs to be surgical" Izzie whispered out that last part, like she was worried someone might hear her.

"Stevens" Addison stopped and turned around looking at Izzie "I'm gonna stay in Seattle for at least a month probably more, I expect you to work with me all this time when I have assignments for you and then when I'm going back to New York you can decide if you want to go with me or not. If you decide to go with me but not be a surgeon but still work with my area I'm still the best teacher you can get, we clear?"

"Crystal, Dr Montgomery" Addison smiled at her and kept walking towards their patient's room with Izzie trailing her, Izzie trying hard not to smile like an idiot.

The kitchen is Callie was really huge and it was not like Callie used it so much even if she was an awesome cook. Addison searched through her fridge to find something useful to eat, finally finding some leftover pasta that she heated in the microwave; she also grabbed a glass of wine. Addison tapped her nails against the counter while waiting for the pasta to get warm. After talking to her patient today Izzie had said that she was seriously going to consider Addison offer to get her a spot at Mt Sinai. Working with Addison was reason enough but Izzie also felt that it could be good to get out of Seattle, apparently Addison wasn't the only who this city was the greatest. The noise from the microwave startled her, she switched the television on and sat down with her food and wine in the couch. Her thoughts immediately drifted to tomorrow, that day was going to be rough but she also felt that it was getting easier then it had been last year. Picture of a little red head girl with sparkling blue eyes flooded her mind, she and Derek should been preparing a birthday cake for their daughter instead of mourning what they never had with her. It had been three years, this day three years ago they had went to sleep Derek's arms wrapped around her belly, they both feeling how she kicked, Addison remember joking that their daughter didn't want her mother to sleep at all. As hot tears burn her cheeks, Addison wraps her own arms, instead of a strong pair of male arms, around her waist. She never wanted this, all she wanted was to be happy with Derek and their daughter.

Derek was tossing and turning in his bed in the trailer, Meredith had suggested that they should do something tomorrow he just said no and then explained that it was Lily's birthday then and he was either going to spend it with Addison or by himself. Pictures of him and Addison came to his mind, when they where happy and some with a little girl running around their legs. Addison had looked happy today, he wondered how she was right now, with Torres at the hospital. Derek got out of his bed and put a shirt on and then walked out to his car. It took about 20 minutes to Torres and soon Burkes apartment, and if he ignored some speed limits it just took 15 minutes. He drove out from the trailer and out on the highway. 17 minutes later Derek was standing and knocking on Torres door, he and Burke had helped Torres move in so he know it was huge but when 5 minutes later when no one had opened the door he tried the handle to discover it was open.

"Hello? Addie?" He yelled out after closing the door after him, he thought he heard sobbing from the living room. When he entered the room he saw Addison on the couch her arms wrapped around her crying, he kneeled in front of her

"Addie" He gently whispered to her, she looked startled at him tears still running down her cheeks. Derek wrapped his arms around her and pulled her up so she was standing. He didn't let go of her and felt some relief when he noticed that she hadn't switched her perfume.

"Why are you here ?" As Derek pulled her closer to him, her arms had found their way around his waist as well

"I didn't want to be alone tonight and I guess you didn't either" Addison shock her head in his shoulder and pulled him closer, if it was possible. Being held in his arms comforted her while holding her in his arms comforted him, so he being here was for the both of them. Derek felt a few tears going down his cheeks and landing in Addison hair.

"Let's go to bed" Addison murmured in his shoulder, and started to let go of him but not letting go of his hand. Inside of Addison's bedroom, Derek started to take of Addison clothes leaving her clad only in her bra and panties, Addison pulled Derek's shirt over his head and pulled down his pants. Derek wrapped his arms around Addison before laying them both down on the bed. His back facing the wall, Derek laid one of his legs over Addison and with his arms wrapped around her he pulled her closer to his chest.

"I got you" He whispered in her ear before they both started to drift of to sleep and for the first time in Seattle Addison really trusted Derek.


	12. All you you have to do is cry

They both woke up to a familiar scent and they both forgot for a second where they were, that they where divorced, their daughter was born and died this day three years ago and Addison's pager was going of. Derek pulled her closer and held her tighter for a moment remembering, before letting her answer her page. Addison didn't want to go up; lying in Derek's arms was wonderful and outside world was cold and hostile.

"Damm you Callie for not having a higher temperature here" Addison cursed as she sat her foot down on the wooden floor after answering her page. This was not how she wanted to spend her daughter's birthday, but then one of the greatest ways to honour her had to be saving another family's baby. Not that it helped anything with the pain. After getting her stockings right, she slipped on a skirt on and a light green silky shirt. While drinking her coffee she nudged lightly on Derek, after he had sat up she gave him a cup of coffee also.

"You can stay here and then come to the hospital, I have to get this" Addison smiled a sad smiled, Derek stood up and stood in front of her, he brushed his thumb her cheeks then kissed it.

"You should wash your face; you have black tear stains on your cheeks" Derek smiled at her before taking a sip of her coffee that she left behind, when she ran into the bathroom. Addison glared at him when she saw what he was doing and took the coffee promptly back.

"I see you later, okay" Derek kissed her forehead before she walked out the door, after it had closed he whispered to him self.

"I love you"

"Where is Stevens?" Meredith was tying Addison's yellow coat before they walked to the ambulance area and waited for their patient to come in.

"She's in surgery with Sloan" Addison cursed Mark and the told Meredith that she was working on this case with her. As the paramedic rolled the patient in before taking her up to maternity one of the paramedic updated her on what happened.

"37- year old female, 6 months pregnant, slipped on ice, the baby is probably going to be a stillborn" Addison froze for a second

"That's me to decide, Grey get us an OR right now" The woman gripped Addison's hand and looked panicked at her.

"My baby can't be dead, my husband isn't here yet, I can't lose my baby"

"I know it's hard to do this without your husband, I know but if we get your baby out now, she or he will have a good chance to live, I'm gonna do everything in my power to save your baby" Addison talked calming to the woman as the wheeled her towards an OR. Addison and Meredith scrubbed in and started a C-section. Half way through it the baby's heart beat stopped but Addison got it to start beating again. Son and mother where safely wheeled up to the NICU, the baby was going to need a lot of medical care before the parents could take him home. Hannah's, the woman, husband had arrived 5 minutes after the ambulance and had been let in during to the C-section, Addison had yelled at 2 nurse to get him in though, but she knew that if the boy didn't make it Hannah was going to need her husband. Addison was already scrubbing out when Meredith started, Addison washed her hands angry and frustrated, her hands where turning red under the water, Meredith tried to come up with anything to the older woman whose husband she had practically stolen and now was slipping away from her. Then she realised it.

"I'm so sorry Addison" Addison barley acknowledge her

"He know what day it is today" She muttered under her breath, Addison couldn't believe him she was so angry at him.

"Grey , follow up I need to speak to the chief" Addison threw that paper towel pissed in the container.

Addison could almost feel her blood boil, but mostly she felt betrayed. She considered him a close friend and there was sure as hell more Neo-Natal surgeon in this hospital then her. She pushed the door open to Richard's office, he was talking to Bailey. She cleared her voice.

"I need to talk to Richard" She folded her arms over her chest

"But I'm…" Bailey looked weird at Addison

"Bailey, I outrank you go" Addison practically yelled at her and the short woman hurried out shooting glares at Addison.

"What are you doing Addison?" Richard looked confused at her, then realised why she was so mad at him.

"YOU KNOW WHAT TODAY IS!" Addison yelled at him

"Addie-I"

"No you don't get to Addie me, you paged me 911 this morning and have assigned me to a case that would possibly be a stillborn and you sure as hell have more surgeons then me that could have saved that baby" Addison was furious and Richard had never seen her like this.

"You where at her funeral and your close friends with both me and Derek, you know what day it is and still you assign me to this case, when even Bailey would been able to save that baby" Addison was gesturing at him now and throwing her arms out, the person on the bridge wondered what was going two of those people where Meredith and Derek. Meredith was currently telling Derek which case she and Addison had worked on.

"Addison- I was just trying - " Addison felt something explode inside her, if he was trying to say what she thought he was going to say she would be on the first plane out to New York and never ever set her foot in Seattle Grace again

"If you where trying to teach me a lesson by assigning me to a possible stillborn case the same day I delivered my stillborn daughter-" Addison swallowed back a few tears "I'm gonna sue you so much and I will go out in all medical governments and journal to get SGH suspended because that would be so much wrong in all possible ways and I consider you a close friends, How could you do this when you know what today is?" Addison looked pleading and furious at him at the same time and just when he was going to answer her, Derek walked in and grabbed a hold of Addison. Meredith had just told him what happened before she was paged away and like Addison he had been furious at Richard.

"Addie, come on" Addison gave up and followed Derek; She was on the verge of tears and before they walked out Derek shoot a death glare towards Richard.

Derek led her to a exam room and locked the door, squeezing her hand letting her know he was there. He grabbed a hold of her hips and lifted her up so she was sitting on the exam table; he placed himself between her legs and wrapped his arms around her. He felt her sob against him and chest heaving forcefully against his; it didn't take long before his scrub shirt was soaked by her tears.

"He knows what today is" Addison mumbled into his chest, he pulled her tighter feeling her sobs die out and the tears was also slowing down.

"He had no right to do that" He whispered into her ear, softly stroking her hair. Derek wanted to bring her closer, but they where already so close they could get, Addison's legs rested on the each side of his thighs and their stomachs where touch, it's was no way they could get any closer.

"I know it hurts, It hurts so much but we'll get through this day and then we can deal with Richard" Derek tilted up her head so she was looking straight at him and she nodded, almost all her tears had dried and she was almost breathing normal again, then she buried her face in his chest again. Derek kept kissing Addison's head and stroking her hair. They stayed in that position for awhile until Addison had calmed down, then she looked up at Derek and he was stroking hair away from her face and wiped away a tear from her cheek and smiling at her, her eyes was sparkling when he looked at her. Their faces where inches apart and their forehead nudged each other from moment to moment, Addison hesitated for a moment before leaning in to kiss him. Derek parted his mouth open, their tongues meeting for the first time in what felt like an eternity, the kiss deepened and Derek started to tug on Addison's scrub top. When he got it of her he started to kiss a path down her neck to her breasts, he kissed them and gently sucked on the skin that was exposed, Addison moaned as he started to kiss her stomach down to the edge of her panties. When he started to pull down her pants he laughed, Addison had to be the only surgeon that keeps the stockings on under the scrubs. As soon as her pants where down she wrapped her long legs around his waist bring him closer the bring up his face again and kissed him, he groaned as she cupped him through his pants still kissing him, before pulling his scrub top of him, Addison kissed him again longing for his touch, while she was kissing his neck and his collarbone, kissing and sucking at his skin downwards he started unclasped her bra, fully exposing her breast, he brushed his thumb over them before slowly started to sucking on one of them while his hand paid attention to the other one brushing over it and gently squeezing them , Addison groaned arching her back.

"Derek please" She whimpered, before another moan escaped her mouth, and with her legs trying to push his pants down, after he lost his scrub pants and boxers Addison started to kiss him and sucking at just the right spot making him groan, his hands started to travel down her body and got a finger inside her panties and then ripped them of her. Addison moaned and then kissing him while running her fingers through his hair, her own pony tail had fallen out a long time ago. Derek positioned himself between her legs before sliding into her Addison let out a big groan as he did then wrapping her legs around his waist again, bringing him even closer.

"Derek" Addison moaned out, as he thrusted into her, her nails digging into his back, Derek kept kissing her breast and felt Addison wriggle beneath him and meeting his thrusts. She tightened her legs around him and kissed him hard and sucked lightly on his tongue while pushing her hips forward, Derek moaned into her mouth and thrusted one more time before feeling Addison spasm around him groaning out his name.

"Oh god Derek" That was all it took for Derek to explode as well

"Addison" He groaned on her ear, feeling her nails digging into his back from the after waves of her orgasm. They both panted, leaning against the other one their skin covered in a glow, Addison kissed Derek one more time, deep and hard still panting.

"Oh god" Addison said leaning against Derek, feeling his chest rise and fall against her breasts. Addison dropped her legs from Derek's waist and he pulled out of her, then wrapping his arms around her waist because Addison hadn't the steadiest legs at the moment, keeping her standing. He kept kissing her neck before leaning his forehead against hers, his eyes trying to focus on hers but the close distant was making it hard. Addison took a deep breath before letting her head fall so it was resting on Derek's shoulder. She considered saying something but that would ruin this moment so she stayed silent for a moment longer. As Derek pulled away from and started to search for his clothes, Addison did the same.

"Derek, what I am supposed to wear under my scrubs, you ripped my panties" She had gotten her bra on and her scrub shirt.

"You don't have any spare?" Derek shrugged his scrub pants on

"I didn't plan on having sex in an exam room" She practically shouted at him, before jumping up on the exam table burying her head in her hands.

"What just happened Derek, we are not supposed to be having sex"

"I know Addison, but it happened, and it happened in New York as well numerous time, what are we doing here?"

"Apparently not being able to let go of each other" Addison muttered under her breath before jumping of the exam table, if she stayed in here any longer she would say stuff that wasn't supposed to even enter her mind and thoughts she had been battling since Derek left. He watched as she got dress, he wanted to grab her arm make her stay, maybe Addison was right maybe they had been tied together for so long that they couldn't let go and deep down didn't want to either. Addison dragged a hand through her hair before storming out of the on call, to the people around them it would seem like Addison and Derek just had another argument because she looked almost as angry as she did when Derek had dragged her in there in the first place.

The baby boy fingers clutched around her pointer finger, his mom was taking a nap at the moment. There baby could have had the same end as Lily did, instead he was here a bit early but alive. He was alive and thanks to her, his family hadn't been forced to go through the same as she and Derek had been. Addison had never thought Lily's death was the thing that destroyed their marriage, it was the way they dealt with it, because when Derek thought she was fine enough to cope my her own he coped in the way he knew how, by working. She thinks Meredith did as well, that was made her so hurt by all of it, Meredith could take away pain that she couldn't. She looked around as she heard someone enter the room, her hand still in the grip of the little boy.

"Is this the guy?" Addison wasn't really mad at Derek, she was mad at the two of them to not keep their hand of each other.

"Yeah, yeah it is" Derek stood beside her looping one arm around her waist, pulling her closer.

"You saved him Addie" She sighed and leaned her head against his shoulder, and gave him a half nod.

"I- I miss you" Derek turned to look at her, Addison was waiting for him to pull away from her

"I miss you too, and it hurts" Addison leaned closer to him, keeping her focus on the baby.

"What are we doing here?"

"I have no idea" It probably was going to take awhile to figure it out too, they stayed in the same position for awhile watching the baby, it was amazing that none of the others babies made any noise or had a medical issue, after awhile Derek pulled away and started walking towards the door.

"Did I stop to take your pain away Derek?" Addison had tears in her eyes, but she had to know this, Derek walked back to her taking her hands in his.

"No, you never have stopped taking my pain away, you always made my day a little better, After you came to Seattle I told Meredith she was my breath of fresh air when I felt like I was drowning, she took away the pain caused by you and Mark but Addison I realised that you're the person that always kept me floating and being around you do make my pain fade away. Meredith can never take away the pain we experienced together by losing Lily" He kissed her forehead before leaving the room leaving Addison with all kind of thoughts in her head, she wondered if Meredith still was his breath of fresh air. Derek already knew that Meredith wasn't his breath of fresh air anymore, but that was all he knew.

All guest surgeons that worked at SGH, had to be checked on their medical files by the chief. Izzie had been the person to deliver the files, after sitting by a printer for a half an hour and she hadn't meant to see it but she did. She wasn't going to tell anyone, it was like she didn't want anyone to find out about Hannah but she guess Meredith knew as well and of course Mark, Webber and probably Callie but she wasn't sure. Meredith had been completely calm about Addison being here and Addison and Derek talking to each other and doing god knows what in a exam room, they where supposed to be arguing about something. Izzie knew she was supposed to be on Meredith's side in all this, but she had always believed in marriage and even if she knew how much it hurt to be cheated on, she believed in second chances. Addison and Derek shared something that she never saw in Meredith and Derek, to her it seemed like Meredith never really knew Derek either. She had been standing at nurses station filling out some forms when Derek had asked her where Addison was, she had pointed him in her direction then tore her eyes away from her papers and watched the couple. They had been standing close to each other, talking quickly but mostly it seemed like they where comforting each other, Derek kissed Addison on the fore head before walking out, Izzie hesitated for a moment before walking into the room, as Addison saw her entry she tried to wipe away her tears.

"How he is doing?" Izzie stood beside the older woman, trying to decide whether or not she should tell her about Hannah, it probably was nothing in comparison to what she had, what they both had gone through though.

"He is hanging in there, he could pull through this without any complications" Addison stroked the little baby's cheek

"I- I saw Derek …" Izzie opened her mouth to speak but Addison cut her of, a hint of anger in her voice

"I know your friends with Meredith but I was just having a bad day and Derek had heard of it" Addison shrugged her shoulders

"I was just gonna say I'm sorry" Addison eyes, still a bit teary, locked with Izzie's and it only took a second for Addison to realise what she was talking about.

"How - ?" Addison suddenly stuttered her words out, Izzie looked slightly guilty

"I was the intern in charged of the monthly medical charts of guest surgeons, yours was on top, I swear I didn't mean to see it I promise" Izzie looked at her shoes, she didn't mean to hurt Addison she just felt that she wanted to tell the attending that she kind of get the thing of losing a child and a sincere 'I'm sorry' had meant something to her after Denny died. So she wanted to say she was sorry.

"It's okay Stevens; I just didn't expect you to know" Addison furrowed her eyebrows"I'd appreciated it if you didn't mention too someone though" Addison clenched her jaw in an attempt not cry.

"I won't, I might be young but I know a thing or two about secrets" Izzie gave Addison a faint smile and Addison gave her a curious look.

"You know my secret" Addison sat down in one of the rocking chairs that always was present in the NICU and looked at Izzie, who let out a big sigh.

"I had daughter when I was 16, Hannah, I gave her away and I have no idea where she is now, I never regret that choice but some days just hurt you know, then when I met Denny I thought I was getting the 2.5 kids and the picket fence, it's just hard some days" A single tear escaped Izzie's eyes, Addison got up from the chair and hugged her protégé.

"It eventually stops hurting or you find a person that takes the pain away" Moments later Addison left Izzie alone in the room, her eyes focused on the little boy that was supposed to be a stillborn but they saved him. Everyday contains a miracle.

Callie was filling out the last of forms before going home; Addison had left an hour ago. She felt to arms sneak around her waist, she turned around seeing Burke standing over her watching the forms.

"So when are we meeting up tomorrow?"

"Me and Addison is going out for drinks tomorrow night, but I have the morning of" Callie blinked at him suggestively; Burke gave her a deep kiss.

"I'll be there with breakfast" He kissed her goodbye and walked back to the elevator, Callie had a smile on her face, she was happy.

A few tears made its way Addison's cheek; she was sitting in her bed in Callie's apartment. Her baby was dead, her husband was living happily with a woman 10 years her junior, she was pretty much alone. She and Derek had some moments when she thought that maybe just maybe she wouldn't be alone but she was.

"Hey Addison, you're in here?" Callie switched the lightest on, she gasped as she saw Addison sitting on the bed hugging her knee, tears running down her cheeks.

"What's the matter?" Callie sat down beside Addison, when she moved to put her arm around her shoulder, Addison let out a shaky breath. Callie felt helpless; she had never seen Addison like this.

"Was it some patient?" Addison looked so fragile where she was sitting, her red hair looked like she token a shower and not dried it.

"Lily" Addison whispered out in a shaky breath, before letting out another sob. Callie had no idea who Lily was, maybe Mark or the Chief knew.

"Want me to call Mark?" Addison shook her violently at Callie then burying it in her knees

"Derek" She mumbled out, Callie looked at her in surprise, why would she want Derek after all they went through together, but as the good friend she was she went out a called Derek.

"Dr. Shepherd" Derek was sitting in a on call, avoiding most people but mostly Meredith, he felt a bit guilty about sleeping with Addison but he didn't regretted it, even after when he knew it was wrong it still felt so right.

"Hey, it's Dr. Torres"

"What can I do for you Callie?"

"Addison is asking for you, she mentioned something with Lily, whoever that is" Derek jerked up from his bed, halfway out of the room.

"I'll be there soon" Hanging up on Callie, Derek sprinted towards a locking room, he knew Addison was upset but couldn't go see her still in his scrubs.

Derek didn't bother to knock before going inside the apartment; Callie sat in the sofa and saw Derek walk by her into Addison room. He stopped in the doorway, looking at her, she looked defeated and weak, her knees where wet from her tears. Derek stood in front of her, pulling her to her feet before wrapping his arms around her. He felt Addison relaxed into his embrace and burying her face further in chest. Having Addison in his arms was like settling a craving he didn't knew he had, the stress and the tension from the day ceased to exist and the only thing that mattered was Addison and Derek. He pulled Addison closer to him, feeling a wave of happiness and calmness wash over him.

"I don't wanna be alone anymore and I miss you so much it hurts" Addison muffled voice where heard, he knew Addison as well as she knew herself so before she would pull away he pulled her even closer to him.

"I know the feeling" Derek kissed the top of her head "Imagine a little red haired baby, running around our feet, trying to figure out where her birthday present are hided, I miss her and I miss you, I miss our family so much and it hurts knowing that I didn't figure it out sooner" Derek kissed her lips lightly before pulling away, he started to take his shirt of. Addison looked with him in disbelief.

"You're tired and I'm tired" Addison nodded slightly before started to take of her own clothes, Derek pulled her in the waist towards him, his cold hands making her gasp and letting out a almost audible giggle. Addison pressed her chest against his, feeling his arms around her body, and settling her head against his shoulder. She let out a sigh of relief before letting sleep welcome her, Derek drifted of moments later after whispering in her ear that he loves her and kissed her.

Callie leaned against the wall beside the door, sighing. If she hadn't seen it with her own eyes, she would had laughed the person in the face for saying that Addison and Derek shared a bed together and that they looked that like they where in love. If Callie thought she saw something between the two before the divorce it was nothing compared what she saw now, they way they acted, almost like one like Addison and Derek was the centre of the world.


	13. So Afraid what people might say

_A/N: I know I have some alerts on this story but I really would like some reviews aswell cause I'm having a total writer's block_

They both looked up as they heard noises coming from the kitchen, Callie swung her legs out of her bed and pulling Burke with her.

"Who is in the kitchen?" Burke asked Callie as they made the way to her doorway, looking into the kitchen

"Addison is here, but it's a male voice too" Callie stuck her head out of the door, Burke standing above her his chest against her back. They watched the couple with surprise on their faces.

"Oh my god, you're a disaster Addie" Derek had his arms around her waist, leaning his head against her shoulders, while she was trying to make pancakes.

"I'm sure we'll have at least one good pancake" She looked down in the pan, before throwing the mess in the trashcan, Derek chuckled at her before lightly kissing her neck.

"They are burned but the top is still fluid" Derek laughed at her; they carried on for awhile longer until they where done with the pancakes, one pancake looked eatable. Addison sighed as she looked at the pancake, she turned around facing Derek, he kissed her on the forehead.

"I'm sure she'll like it" Addison tugged on the bottom of the shirt she was wearing while looking at Derek, before nodding at him and a smile creeping onto her lips.

"I should get going; my shift at the hospital starts in 30 minutes" Addison opened her moth to speak

"We'll talk about it tonight, I swear"

"That was what I was going to say but I'm going out with Callie tonight, so maybe tomorrow" he pulled her into a hug before leaving, giving her a quick peck on the lips before going out the door. Addison stood at the oven watching the door, before letting out a sigh. She poked the pancake with the spatula judging it to be okay.

Callie looked back at Burke, confusion evident on her face and his expression matched hers, Burke kissed her neck before going out in the kitchen where Addison was standing.

"Good morning Addison" Addison whipped around, almost scared but looked relieved when she saw it was Burke

"Oh I didn't know you where here Preston, I'm guessing Callie is up too" Burke thought about asking her why Derek had been here so early in the morning, because he was sure he had seen some men's shoes in the hallway when he had gotten in this morning, but since he knew he probably wouldn't get a straight answer from Addison he didn't ask her.

"Yeah she should come in too soon" Burke smiled at her, Addison nodded before looking down at her lonely pancake

"I made her breakfast, but I messed it up " Burke smiled reassuring at, he had already celebrate Callie's birthday with her, Callie and Addison probably needed some girl time, especially so Callie could find out what Derek had been doing in her kitchen so he started walking towards the front door.

"You're leaving?"

"Yeah, my shift starts in 30 minutes" Addison nodded and waved at him before she went back to preparing Callie's breakfast. After decorating a plate with some fruits the pancake looked really delicious, she also had put out coffee.

"Happy Birthday" Addison handed Callie a green package before dragging her out to the kitchen and setting in front of her breakfast. Callie put the package to the side of the food before digging in, Addison sat down in front of her.

"Oh, you made me breakfast, thank you Addison" Callie smiled delightful at her, Addison laughed a little

"Oh don't thank me yet, so I met Preston here when I was preparing it, some birthday celebration?" Addison grinned at her, her tone slightly mocking

"Well, it is my birthday" Callie also considered asking about Derek, but decided to do it later, because whatever reason he had come here for was probably something pretty bad since Addison had looked awful last night and they did after all sleep in the same bed. The pancake tasted surprisingly good for being a making of Addison, they talked for about half an hour before Addison snuck out to her room and came back with a middle sized violet package.

"Happy Birthday Cal" Addison laughed as Callie threw herself at the package like a 5 year old, when she pulled out the present a huge smile formed on her lips.

"Thank you Addison, these are gorgeous" Callie hugged Addison, after pulling back she looked at the Prada shoes with admiration, Callie had been looking all over Seattle for this pair but hadn't found them anywhere. Addison looked back at Callie with a smile; she was glad that she could at least make her friend happy. They finished the rest of the breakfast and Callie update Addison up on some SGH gossip before Addison was cleaning up the breakfast. She leaned back in the chair while watching Addison throwing away the messed up pancakes.

"So- Why- was Derek here last night? " Addison froze and dropped the plat she was holding in her hand, it making a big nose when it hit the water. Addison debated the idea of telling Callie some lie for a few minutes before setting down the dish brush and taking a deep breath.

"Last night - - was the day that was supposed to be our daughters 3rd birthday, I deli-" Addison choked back some tears and tried to take a deep breath"She was - - still born as a result of a fall" Callie hugged Addison, feeling her shoulder getting wet from Addison tears.

"You want me to call Derek?"

"No" Addison almost whispered, she pulled away from Callie and wiped away her tears with the back of her hand. Sitting down again trying to regain her composure again, she felt the pain and the weight on her chest fading away. Callie sat down beside her, she looked worried at her friend but at the same time she was confused on how to respond, she wanted to help Addison but didn't know what to do. Derek had made look so easy and had calmed Addison pretty fast, they even slept in the same bed and kissed each other even though he was supposed to be with Meredith.

"You want to talk about it or about something else?" Addison just shock her head and looked out the window, zoning Callie out while trying to keep the thoughts of Lily out of her head.

xoxo

Sitting squeezed in between Alex and Cristina wasn't the nicest way to do charts but her she was anyway. She hadn't heard from Derek since yesterday even if she was pretty sure he had spent it with Addison, it would had been nice of him to call. Since Derek had been back from New York, it was like their relationship had gotten into a dead end, she was the one with all the issues then why was it her that busted her ass of to get Derek to open up to her. Cristina nudges her side as Derek got in their view, talking to Preston.

Meredith seemed pretty happy with her friends, even if they where all the five of them sitting on one small gurney. She looked focused as she scribbled in something in the chart she was holding, he feels his stomach turn, he decides to blame it on that he didn't eat any breakfast today. He takes a deep breath before taking the ten hesitant steps towards Meredith, standing so far away she can't really touch him.

"Hey" she looks surprised at him, she didn't expect him to come and talk to her

"Hey, You wanna have lunch in my office today?" Meredith nods excited at him before he walks away towards his office. Well inside of the safety that these walls provide him he exhales. It might hurt but it's the right thing to do, he might love Meredith in a way but it's Addison he wants to spend his life with. He rather face tragedies and happiness with Addison then a lifetime of happiness with Meredith.

_Addison tapped her heel at the stirrups, while fiddling with her husband's hand in her left hand. Derek strokes her hair making her look at him. _

"_Addie, calm down" _

"_I can't be pregnant right, my uterus is just messing around with me" Addison tried hard to convince herself of her own story_

"_I know it might be a surprise but we can handle a baby Addie" Derek squeezed her hand and Addison let out a audible sigh. Derek had found his wife almost in tears in the bathroom last night and the instant worry of something being wrong disappeared in an instant when she told him she was 2 weeks late. Addison hadn't fallen asleep until the middle of the night after an hour of Derek stroking her back and whispering soothing words in her ear. Both of their heads shoot up when Addison's doctor stepped in. Dr. Brown sat down and Addison explained she didn't want to do a home pregnancy test and that she was 2 weeks late and she missed a pill after being at the hospital for 37 hours. Claire put some of that cold gel on her stomach before doing an ultrasound, the image popped up on the screen and Claire opened her mouth to speak but Addison beat her to it_

"_4 weeks, I'm 4 weeks pregnant" Claire nodded and started to print the image out while Addison stared in a haze at the image. Her hand graced her stomach slightly and she looked back at the screen. They we're ready after all._

Meredith isn't sure she should be happy that Derek asked her to lunch or not, things between them had been of lately. All those nights she laid awake dreaming about how it would be if she and Derek got together again seemed so tempting right now because the reality was far from those dreams. She had expected everything to work out if they just were together but things like that doesn't happened in her life does it. Then he went to New York to settle things and came home with a stillborn baby, not only did they have half of lifetime together, they had a dead child to tie them together too. After that he had been acting weird making her wonder if he had regretted his choice or if some thing happened in New York. Derek wouldn't do that to her she was sure but she also knew Derek had a baby 3 years ago and if that baby hadn't died Derek wouldn't be here. If he was ready to have a baby then, he probably was ready to have a baby now and the thought made her heart race and the urge to hide somewhere big. She wanted to complete her resident and be a extra ordinary surgeon not spend 9 months as a beached whale and picking names, she wanted to be beached whale later but not right now. Remembering yesterday she wondered how Addison was doing, she had after all seemed pretty upset after they scrubbed out and she guessed she had spent the evening with Derek even after the fight they had yesterday. She didn't like it but she guessed she had to accept that Addison was in fact a part of Derek life even if she didn't like it a bit.

xoxo

Callie had given up after a half hour to talk about something else then Lily, so after some coaxing Addison told her some more about it. The tears hade been constant in Addison's eyes while telling Callie about how happy they where and how everything disappeared afterwards and then how everything played out in New York. Even if Callie knew Addison hadn't told her everything she was glad that she had confident in her, she had even let a few tears of her own slip while comforting Addison. After both taking a shower and getting ready and 10 minutes of insisting from Addison's side, they where now at Victoria Secret's in downtown Seattle. Callie had already bought a lot of lingerie but where right now deciding if she was going to buy that ecological bra or not. After another 10 minutes it turned out to be a not.

"So where at now, or should we head back?" Callie looked over Addison, who only had on paper bag from VS

"We only just got here and if I wasn't in the mood to go with you I wouldn't gone with you, okay?" Addison smiled a small smile at her friend, she appreciated that Callie cared but at the same time she was still able to handle herself.

"I wanna take a look at a dress I saw at Prada" Callie pointed in the direction of the store

"Oh right I forgot you're also a trust fund baby" Addison followed Callie's lead into the store, she's wasn't going to say no to some Prada. Callie found except the Bordeaux coloured dress a few other garments, when Addison was done and had decided for a light blue blouse Callie was only a quarter through her pile of clothes. Dropping down at the bench outside the dressing rooms after paying for her blouse Callie was now halfway through the clothes. A few meters away from her a man with his baby was sitting, the man brought the baby closer to his chest and cuddle with it.

"Who are the greatest guy in the world?" the baby gurgled"You are, Yes you are" Addison smiled at the scene playing out in front of her.

_Addison tried to open the door to the trailer carefully, Derek was probably asleep. To her surprise he was laying under a blanket reading a book, when he noticed her he lay the book aside and looked up at her. Addison let out a long sigh and let her shoulders fall. _

"_She hates me" She stepped out of her shoes and hang her coat over the couch_

"_I'm sure she doesn't, you remember how you were towards Richard" She unbuttoned her cardigan she had been wearing over her blouse and was just about to take the blouse of too._

"_Hey, come here" Derek patted on the spot next to him; Addison hesitated for a moment then dropped her hands and walked over to the bed. Derek pulled her closer to him and she pulled the blanked over her and rested her head against Derek's chest. He pressed a soft kiss to her temple and at the same time inhaling the scent of Addison mixed with the hospital smell. _

"_I'm sure she will come around soon"_

"_I guess, it was just a bad day. I feel so sad for Dorie, one moment have her daughter and the next she's gone" A silence followed her words and Addison let out a tear when Derek brought her even closer to him and stroke her hair. _

"_You ever think about her?" Derek whispered in her ear, making her shiver_

"_Sometimes"_

"_Me too" Addison felt one of Derek's tears hit her hair; she buried her face even deeper into his chest. _

"_We'll have another chance, I'm sure we will"_ _Addison nodded into his chest and relaxed and a feeling of wanting nothing more then this washed over them._

That could so easily been her and Derek, Derek's words flashed through her head"_I miss her and I miss you and I miss our family"_ She missed him too and she missed their family so badly but could they really get back to that point. They both had hurt each other so much but the question wasn't if they wanted to anymore it was if they really could to do it. Could they rebuild there relationship without destroy themselves on the way. Addison let out a sigh and rubbed her temples.

xoxo

Derek leaned back in his chair waiting for Meredith's arrival; he heard his office door squeak and Meredith took a hesitant step inwards. As she saw Derek a small smile crept onto her lips.

"Hey" she said in a soft voice before sitting down before him

"Got any good surgery?" He couldn't come up with any other things to say without sounding like a complete fool. Meredith nodded before digging in on her lunch, they chatted around for awhile laughing a little. Derek wanted to say what he intended to say by bringing her here.

"This is not working, we're supposed to be the couple but here I am trying to come up with things to say so it won't be awkward. I thought that as soon we got together everything would resolve it self. It doesn't. It's not that I doesn't love you, I do. You saved my life and took the pain away but …"

"But you want more. You just don't wanna live. You wanna feel everything, all the highs and all the sorrows; you can't feel that if you're numb" Meredith felt tears starting to form in her eyes, why couldn't she be enough for him. She wanna tell him that she isn't ready but she will be someday but if he wants to he could as well take all the blame.

"We're not working, some people just don't and there is too much working against us but I really believe that you are the one for me Derek" She blinked away a few tears, why in hell couldn't she get something the easy way for once a time. Taking a few steps towards him she kissed him for the last time for now, he tasted sweet and something she would tag as expensive. After leaving a shocked Derek behind her she left his office for nearest locked supply closet. A wave of guilt hit him urging him to run after her and comfort her but he stays because the image of the family he can have again weighs so much more then the guilt.

Xoxo

"Come on Addison it's my birthday, one more please?" Addison laughed before ordering another drink from Joe. Addison swept half of the clear liquid before sitting down between Callie again.

"You drunk yet Addison?"

"Not yet but I'll probably will be if we keep this up" Addison drank the rest of the liquor in one sweep. After a number of drinks later both where not in their clearest mind.

"So Cal, you never told me how you and Burke got together, last time I was in Seattle he was living happy with Cristina. As happy as you can get with Cristina"

"I was all moppy over George which by the way is kinda a jerk… anyway he had just broken up with Cristina I think and he was mopping with me. Oh there was defiantly alcohol involved because we came up with the idea to gift wrap a scalpel and give to Cristina and then we got locked inside a supply closet. Seattle Grace has many sneaky ways to get into it."

"We wrapped Mark up one time when we where doing our resident, Me and Derek got banned from surgery for a week while Mark got pity surgery. Jerk"

"Mark or your resident?"

"Both" Addison said shortly, not that Mark was a jerk but because he used to be a jerk then. As she made her way back to the bar to get her and Callie more drinks, she was surprised to not find any of the interns there. Derek probably was at home with Meredith doing something domestic as cleaning out the fridge, at the thought of it and the memory of Derek's hushed words to her last night she downed her drink and ordered another one before getting back to Callie.

"Here you go birthday girl"

Three hours later and way too many drinks later both she and Callie were safely inside of Callie's apartment, Burke acting as driver. She had no idea where Callie was, she had a vague idea of Callie being in the bathroom but she wasn't sure. Dumping her heels at nearest spot she cursed Callie for dragging her up on that table a few minutes before Joe called Burke. Not bothering to take anything of then her coat she stumbled into bed. After tossing and turning for about half an hour she got up, stripping out of her skirt before getting back into bed. Pulling a pillow towards her and inhaling a last scent of Derek that was still left in the fabric, making sleep surrounding her.

**REVIEW!**


	14. And It Break My Heart

_A/N: Here y'all go. I'm soon done with this story, I have fall break in a week so I probably spend sometime writing then and I will write so much faster if you review. _

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_Derek wondered if the hospital's chairs had always been this __uncomfortable, it didn't seem fair that people that already were in pain should be forced to sit through uncomfortable chairs too. Right now it didn't bother him that much though, right now he was sitting and wishing for waking up from this bad dream. To wake up and stretch his arm around Addison's sleeping figure before going back to sleep but he knew it wasn't a dream, the pain he was feeling was very much real and it went through the core of his body making him want to curl up into a ball and cry. He never remembered feeling this much pain ever before, not even when his dad died. He cast a glance over Addison, they had seated her around an hour ago, it looked like she just was asleep except her face where covered in tears. He wanted nothing more then to lay down beside her and take away her pain and as well his but her doctor had told him not too since she was going to be really sore and her body was in pain. _

_He walked up to the top of the bed a kneeled down so he was face to face with the sedated Addison, he couldn't help but think that she was beautiful even with her hair sticky from sweat. He moved his hand carefully over her hair, she let out a slight whimper. Derek guessed she still had a slight idea about what was going on even in her sedated state but he still feared when she would wake up. He loved his baby girl over everything in the world but it wasn't he that had felt her first kick and it wasn't him that had to deliver their dead baby girl. He was hurting so much and she was hurting so much but together they might be able to get through this. The door squeaked open and a nurse silently slipped inside the room but when she saw Derek, she quickly checked Addison's vitals before exiting the room again. After they had been admitted, they had got a private room very only a few people where aloud in. So far only Addison's Ob, her nurses knew what was going on. The chief also knew that Addison had been admitted but didn't know all the details. Derek had also called Mark 40 minutes ago, he was after all her godfather and Derek felt he need some support besides the constant beeping from Addison heartbeat. He pressed a kiss to her forehead before going back to the chair, where he sat wishing for yesterday._

Derek woke up covered in sweat and shivered when he realised that he had thrown away all the covers. He rubbed his eyes before getting up and trying to get some breakfast. It now had been three days since he spent the morning with Addison making pancakes and talked to her, he knew she and Callie had been pretty hangover after Callie's birthday. That didn't explain why Addison hadn't been at the hospital in these last days, Preston had told him that she'd had dinner with him and Callie so she was still in Seattle anyway. Knowing she still was in Seattle was comforting. Not that he thought she was going to skip town though.

He wanted Addison back. He didn't want to wake up alone in his trailer; he didn't want to wake up with anyone but Addison. He also knew they would have a long way back to becoming a family again. That's why he had been looking for that unmistakeable red hair for three days in the hospital, wanting to talk to her, to get a second chance. His second chance, their third chance. He washed his face to wake up and wash away the nights dream before sitting down at the small table drinking a cup of coffee, trying to figure a way to say to Addison that he wanted a second chance without her throwing something at him.

Since the break up of the year had taken place, all people that worked in Seattle Grace knew about it before lunch the day after. Some said it was because of Derek but most people thought it was because of Meredith and a few persons thought it was because of Addison. Namely Callie, Burke, Richard and Izzie. Not they thought it was Addison fault but that Derek broke up with Meredith because something happened between him and Addison. Callie and Burke because they saw them in Callie's kitchen and there was no way it was platonic, also Addison had let it slip in her drunken state during Callie's birthday that she slept with Derek and he missed her. Izzie because she had seen them in the nursery together and even if she was Meredith's friend she thought Addison and Derek just kind of fit. That none of the nurses actually knew Meredith or Derek didn't stop them from gossiping about all kind of different of scenarios about their break up. But because Addison hadn't worked in three days and Callie had stayed at the hospital all night, Addison was the practically the only one not knowing about it.

As Addison checked her voicemail, she heard the nurses talk about something and she doesn't seem to be the main object of it so she took a step closer.

"I heard there was a lot of shouting" Nurse Debbie whispered, before giving the chart in her hand to an intern.

"Amy was standing right outside after it happened, she said it was very quiet but that she was crying when she was walking our of there" Addison was just about to lean a little further towards the nurses because what she was hearing was slightly disturbing to hear when someone cleared their throat behind her.

"Dr Stevens" Addison said surprised as she spun around facing the intern.

"Dr Montgomery, I wondered if I could talk to you for a moment" Izzie shifted nervously between her feet's, Addison smiled and nodded.

"I have a office in the NICU that we could use" Addison started walking towards the elevator, her heels marking her presence through out the hallway and Izzie around 2 feet's behind her.

Derek saw her hair before anything else, then he heard her heels click when she stepped inside the elevator and then he felt his lips form a smile when she smiled at him.

"Hey"

"Hey" They stopped and looked at each other for a moment, when Addison tore her eyes away from him and felt herself blush. Izzie just looked mysterious at them before turning her face towards the elevator doors. When more people got on the elevator Addison was standing just a few inches away from Derek. She looked surprised at him when she felt him squeeze her hand reassuring.

"Where you been hiding for three days ?" He looked at her, smiling. Still a firm grip around her right hand

"Hung over and taking sick days Richard never gave me before" Addison smirked at him but gave him a reassuring squeeze back.

"Got anything against having lunch with me today" A flash of this past week past her mind and she hesitated a moment before answering him.

"Okay" As soon the word had left her mouth the elevator hit her and Izzie's floor and they got of. The last thing Derek saw of her was her hair.

As Izzie sat down in front of Addison she felt like was being called up to the principal's office. Izzie felt her stomach flutter before opening her mouth to speak.

"I've decided that I want to come with you to New York, I really want to work in this area and it would be really good to get away from Seattle for awhile" the blonde let out a breath after saying it and then looked expectedly at Addison. Addison's face broke into a smile.

"That's great Izzie. I meant it when I said you had talent in my field even if you get to attached to patients sometimes but I also know that tried to teach you that in the wrong way"

"Yeah I guess" Izzie looked nervous around the room, she really didn't want a lecture right now. Addison was just about to say something when her pager went of. She looked at it and blinked.

"Oh shit" She looked apologetic at Izzie before slipping out of the room. Leaving stunned a Izzie behind.

_The room looked like it had done before but still something was different. When she looked around the room she realised it was the rocking crib at the foot of their end that was gone. Derek hadn't left her alone a minute since they arrived at the hospital so she guessed it was probably Mark who had removed it from their room. She looked towards the bathroom door as she saw Derek leave it, their black clothes from yesterday still hanging on the door. She could see in his eyes that he had been crying, even if the shower had covered most of up. __Dragging her left hand through her still damp hair, knowing her eyes looking exact like Derek's._

"_How're you feeling?" Derek walks up to her where she sits at the bed, grabbing her hand__s. _

"_Still a bit sore" she looks up at him and this feeling hits her. The fact that his standing there dripping, holding her hand and he actually want to be there with her, four days after their daughter death makes her trust that their will come a day when it's not going to hurt so much anymore because they love each other. In a way that overcomes most things. She smiles for the first time since they came to the hospital when he slides down in the bed besides her. While burying her head in his chest she also for the first time in 4 days doesn't feel like crying. _

Derek sigh in relief as he leave the patient's room, it was his last patient before lunch. As he put the chart down his relief quickly turn to a nervous feeling. He has now idea how to tell Addison that he wants to get back together. Taking a deep breath trying to make the feeling in his stomach go away even if he knows it won't. Going down to his office where he has their food in his fridge.

"Mark, there's not much I can do here" Addison tells him in a hissed voice after leaving the patients room.

"So you tell me there is no way I can help that patient"

"You can but I can't, it's not my area Mark"

"But I don't like the Paediatric attending, he has no idea what he is doing" Mark pouts at her and then follow her into the chart room.

"I'm sorry Mark" She smiles a weak smile at him, he smiles back at her. Mark grabbed her hands making her look at him.

"And I'm sorry about Lily and that I couldn't be with you then, I tried to find you but…I was supposed to be her godfather I could at least make sure you where okay"

"Thanks Mark, but it's okay. Derek was there…. And I'm sorry too. But you know I couldn't. I wanted Derek and Lily. That's still all I want" She hesitated for a moment before giving him a light kiss. She considered this closure for whatever she had with Mark, if she even had something. Smiling at his confused but sad look she hurried away. Addison had a lunch date.

Addison opened the door to Derek's office carefully, smiling when she saw him sitting at his desk.

"Hey" She sat down on the other side of his desk.

"Hey" Derek smiled at her before giving her a box of Chinese

"Ohh cold Chinese food, just like in med. school"

Addison starts digging in on her food and she and Derek starts talking about all kind of stuff. Which also reminded them of Med. School. After awhile they start talking about Lily and it hurts less to talk about. Addison takes the chance to ask Derek what have wanted to ask him since Callie's birthday.

"When you said you missed me and missed our family, did you mean or is this just you want now because you finally got Meredith?"

"I broke up with Meredith three days ago and I meant what I said, I know it would been better if I realised a little sooner but it's better latter then never right"

"It is, it so is. You broke up with Meredith, why?"

"Addi, did you listen to me at all. I miss you and I want you back" Addison looked into his eyes, letting them explore each other, before taking a deep breath.

_He felt Addison's arms wrap around him, pulling him tighter. Derek wasn't sure who had been looking for but when he had Addison in his arms he knew. He pulled Addison's body closer to his, trying to make her disappear, inhaling the scent of her hair._

"_I was so scared" Addison whispered in his ear_

"_I know, I'm sorry" he dropped a feather light kiss on her neck"I love you, I'm sorry" He could feel a tear landing on his shoulder_

"_Just don't ever do that again"_

"Okay"

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A/N: REVIEW!


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